Sounds pathetic?
... truth is I've no
excuse...
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Denial doesn't help at all ...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Need
Pictures that says everything i feel in a nutshell...
... have you ever felt a need as desperately embarrassing as this?!
Denial doesn't help at all ...
Denial doesn't help at all ...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Rezzzzzzzz
I saw this video of what happens during a "Rock climbing Session" and goodness gracious! It looks gut wrenching scary! I mean I hear Ranley talk about it all the time... i mean like ALL the time and I always say trite words like be careful and the likes but I've never really imagine how high the rocks or how tiny the screws are (they have weird names, by the way, Lucky or Bandito) or how thin the rope looks from afar... blah blah blah.. lol i could go on - On the other hand it is BREATHTAKING! The way that gigantic rock stands so tall and proud in the middle of brown sand (or whatever), the openness of the place, the beautiful, fragile looking grasses with their teeny weeny white flowers dancing in time with the breeze, that windmill (i thought windmills like that don't exist anymore), the dumb sheep (lol they have to wait for the truck to pass by before they decide to cross the trail, I mean why not run the other way?!), the way the shadows climb over the canyon (it looks like it), the sunrise (orange and red and yellow in a nice blend) ... it is awesome and for that matter the sunset, where the orange slowly creeping on the blue of the sky... DUSK and DAWN has a real meaning, i think, in this place.
Maybe it's just a normal day, in a normal place or maybe its the expertise (if he's an expert) of the one who made the video or maybe his patience in capturing what life is in the outskirts of the Reservation but I am so amazed :D. I forgot to mention the smooth blue skies, the star-dotted night with too many falling stars (I've never seen so many falling starts in one night!)
This is where I've seen what I've been gushing about:Rez Land
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Just Once
Today is Holy Friday. I do not know if any other countries celebrate the Passion Week as we do here in the Philippines with all the rituals and the mass services and the reenactment of the sufferings Jesus had, to "atone" for whatever evil and wrong things they may have done before in their lives and they expect to have a "clean slate". Plus the whole nation is in a Holiday. No work, no stores open (so you have to do your groceries and shopping before Holy Friday or you will starve), and and almost non-existent public rides! Almost everyone is trying to be holy and stand still because they do not want to "anger" the Lord or do not want to get hurt because they would not heal for a day - the Lord is dead.
Such backward and naive thinking, I thought but imagine my surprise and shock when one of my co-workers told me that one of the mother amongst our beneficiaries blurted out that Jesus dies every year during Holy Week! She was really in awe to know that Jesus Christ died only once almost 2000 years ago to save us from our sins! And she was like, What???!!! really!!!??? "I thought that Jesus has to die every year that is why, I feel guilty the worst this time of the year!
When i heard that I laugh because it seems to be unthinkable that in our country at this time when we thought that almost everyone has heard of the truth already, that Jesus died only once and is now alive forevermore, there are still sooo many people like this. So innocent and blind of the greatest truth ever. I laugh then i sobered up...because i can feel (almost) my heart cracking and breaking. This woman has been with us for almost 6 months and she doesn't know this ultimate truth. It's horrible. I have to do better than that; we have to do better than that
.
This Holy Week is not like the previous one's... this week my eyes were open because of this one woman. That we don't lapse around in our christian duties. We were not saved to just come to church and hear sermons and feel good if we do a good thing or two... we are saved so we could tell others that there is more to life than just cooking sticky rice on Holy Week, more to life than just going to mass, more to life than just wiping their hanky's on a dead idol so they be blessed for the rest of the year, more to life than just staying inside the house during Holy Friday... that our Christ died only once so that we could have LIFE and have it more ABUNDANTLY!
Such backward and naive thinking, I thought but imagine my surprise and shock when one of my co-workers told me that one of the mother amongst our beneficiaries blurted out that Jesus dies every year during Holy Week! She was really in awe to know that Jesus Christ died only once almost 2000 years ago to save us from our sins! And she was like, What???!!! really!!!??? "I thought that Jesus has to die every year that is why, I feel guilty the worst this time of the year!
When i heard that I laugh because it seems to be unthinkable that in our country at this time when we thought that almost everyone has heard of the truth already, that Jesus died only once and is now alive forevermore, there are still sooo many people like this. So innocent and blind of the greatest truth ever. I laugh then i sobered up...because i can feel (almost) my heart cracking and breaking. This woman has been with us for almost 6 months and she doesn't know this ultimate truth. It's horrible. I have to do better than that; we have to do better than that
This Holy Week is not like the previous one's... this week my eyes were open because of this one woman. That we don't lapse around in our christian duties. We were not saved to just come to church and hear sermons and feel good if we do a good thing or two... we are saved so we could tell others that there is more to life than just cooking sticky rice on Holy Week, more to life than just going to mass, more to life than just wiping their hanky's on a dead idol so they be blessed for the rest of the year, more to life than just staying inside the house during Holy Friday... that our Christ died only once so that we could have LIFE and have it more ABUNDANTLY!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Mid-Week Randomness
* Spent time with Les and Ruby - Carsten (Les' fiancée) allowed her a sleepover in our house which turned out to be fun and exhausting. A reminiscing of the past childhoods funny (and not so funny) habits... when it was time to sleep Les wants me to produce a mosquito net. Yes, you heard me right. It's one habit she has not given up... she could't sleep without it much like i couldn't sleep without socks :D
* I have Binignit (sticky rice cooked in coconut oil with lots of things i don't know the name of in English) for lunch for two days now because I'm really lazy to actually cook something and bring them with me to work and lazy to go out and find decent food. Not that Binignit is bad, it's good.
* My darling sister Les gave me my first ever designer wallet! Yep, a DKNY! it's hers given by her previous Boss as departure gift and she didn't like it much and Carsten gave her a new one so she's being kind hearted and gave it to me..... It is my ONLY decent wallet in years! in YEARS! I'm not picky and I couldn't have cared less but now that i have it I'm really grateful.
* My big toe on the right and small "middle toe" just fell off! I AM DEAD! I have been wearing doll and close flat shoes for two weeks now...waaaaa... I love wearing slippers, flip flops or open sandals. All my shoes are either wedges or open sandals! I don't have any close shoes except for the doll shoes. The doctor told me it will take 6 months or a year to have my nails in full growth and even then they wouldn't look and feel the same. I don't know how I will solve that yet!
That's all for now... i don't feel like adding anything yet after my dead nails :(
* I have Binignit (sticky rice cooked in coconut oil with lots of things i don't know the name of in English) for lunch for two days now because I'm really lazy to actually cook something and bring them with me to work and lazy to go out and find decent food. Not that Binignit is bad, it's good.
* My darling sister Les gave me my first ever designer wallet! Yep, a DKNY! it's hers given by her previous Boss as departure gift and she didn't like it much and Carsten gave her a new one so she's being kind hearted and gave it to me..... It is my ONLY decent wallet in years! in YEARS! I'm not picky and I couldn't have cared less but now that i have it I'm really grateful.
* My big toe on the right and small "middle toe" just fell off! I AM DEAD! I have been wearing doll and close flat shoes for two weeks now...waaaaa... I love wearing slippers, flip flops or open sandals. All my shoes are either wedges or open sandals! I don't have any close shoes except for the doll shoes. The doctor told me it will take 6 months or a year to have my nails in full growth and even then they wouldn't look and feel the same. I don't know how I will solve that yet!
That's all for now... i don't feel like adding anything yet after my dead nails :(
Bohol Trip
Once again I am in Bohol. This time I'm with the the most passionate and awesome people from the church. I didn't really wanna remember the last time that we were here. definitely not.
The traveling was really tiring, intersting, amazing (some) and also very hot. We left cebu by the ferry at around 7 am. We were all crowded inside cramp into the small belly of a fast craft. It was a two (or less) hour trip. Then we arrive in Tubigon, Bohol; the sun was shining very fiercely... it stings the skin. The idea/ plan was to pass by lots and lots of places before lunch in Loboc River.... So first we went to Sagbayan peak.
I didn't climb the peak due to the fact that i don't wanna risk being sun burned and sun stroke (whichever). But it was definitely freakin hot up there and even down were we were waiting for the others to descend from their trek. Then next we tried the hanging bridge.
It was an experience. Their were two hanging bridge and it was swinging! I use to think i am scared of hanging bridges... not anymore. At first i feel light and woozy.. sort of your falling into something then i got over it and even helped rock the bridge to scare the others!!! lol.
We had coconut juice they're-fresh!
I bought one for Adams and for Ruby and paid for it but Adams got tricked by the owner and he paid again for the same coconut that i already paid for! Some people are really shocking if they can get away with whatever.
Then off we went to chocolate hills.
The place has improved a lot since i was here last - one thing was awesome was they had an air conditioned CR.. Yay!.. if you wanna cool off after the steep climb to God-knows how many steps, you can actually hang inside the toilets and you can cool you jets! lol.
Its wondrous how God design our world... i mean in my layman's thoughts about how these hills were made it was mind blowing... they look so perfect - well not really but the tip of most of them looks like chocolate because the grasses has turned into a deep brown because of the sun. the lower parts are still green though which is i think cool to the eyes...
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| My Church Family |
The traveling was really tiring, intersting, amazing (some) and also very hot. We left cebu by the ferry at around 7 am. We were all crowded inside cramp into the small belly of a fast craft. It was a two (or less) hour trip. Then we arrive in Tubigon, Bohol; the sun was shining very fiercely... it stings the skin. The idea/ plan was to pass by lots and lots of places before lunch in Loboc River.... So first we went to Sagbayan peak.
I didn't climb the peak due to the fact that i don't wanna risk being sun burned and sun stroke (whichever). But it was definitely freakin hot up there and even down were we were waiting for the others to descend from their trek. Then next we tried the hanging bridge.
It was an experience. Their were two hanging bridge and it was swinging! I use to think i am scared of hanging bridges... not anymore. At first i feel light and woozy.. sort of your falling into something then i got over it and even helped rock the bridge to scare the others!!! lol.
We had coconut juice they're-fresh!
I bought one for Adams and for Ruby and paid for it but Adams got tricked by the owner and he paid again for the same coconut that i already paid for! Some people are really shocking if they can get away with whatever.
Then off we went to chocolate hills.
The place has improved a lot since i was here last - one thing was awesome was they had an air conditioned CR.. Yay!.. if you wanna cool off after the steep climb to God-knows how many steps, you can actually hang inside the toilets and you can cool you jets! lol.
Its wondrous how God design our world... i mean in my layman's thoughts about how these hills were made it was mind blowing... they look so perfect - well not really but the tip of most of them looks like chocolate because the grasses has turned into a deep brown because of the sun. the lower parts are still green though which is i think cool to the eyes...
Then we went to Loboc River for lunch.
We were alll sooooooooo hungry and i mean that! Everyone of us looks sleepy and ready to fall off because of hunger. We had to wait 45 minutes for the lunch... i mean the boarding on the boat, then sitting there waiting for the food and smelling the food from the other boat.... I feel like screaming - only good breeding and decency hold me back from just grabbing the friend chicken only 3 meters away from my nose. lol
The lunch itself isn't really that thought-consuming.... we ate it not with relish but with abandon... were so freakin hungry! There were fried noodles, rice, pork, barbecue, etc... Not really something i wanna brag about but we ate like a train with no brakes.. hahaha.....
25 minutes into the lunch/boat ride we stopped by into a floating barge and the local people - kids and adult alike gave a nice very filipino presentation where Ate lin get to dance - well it it was a good try of Tinikling - then almost near the end of the river (looks like an end) i hear a shout like something way up and we saw a bundle of something swing by in a cable and slowly the bundle spread its hands. We realized it was a human being (who looks like a bunched rag because of the distance) doing the zip line. OMG! i swear i am going to do that as long as someone is paying for it. I will feel sort of strange doing all the shouting and scaring myself to death if i am paying for it myself.. lol.
We arrived in Panglao Island almost 7pm. the place is cute and i get to stay with Les and Carsten
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| River Boat where we had our lunch |
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| a small low falls at the end of the river trip |
The lunch itself isn't really that thought-consuming.... we ate it not with relish but with abandon... were so freakin hungry! There were fried noodles, rice, pork, barbecue, etc... Not really something i wanna brag about but we ate like a train with no brakes.. hahaha.....
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| ate lani enjoying the welcome song and dance |
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| Ate lin trying to remember her tinikling dance steps :D |
We arrived in Panglao Island almost 7pm. the place is cute and i get to stay with Les and Carsten
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Stressed Out
Life is definitely unpredictable and crazy (I should say exciting but not really). There are a lot of ups and downs, curves and forks that you have to go through while your still living it.
I have grown up a normal child -well as normal as one can be in a broken family. My mother was the best. She's have had all my admiration for remaining and being strong (still) even after all of her dream family (husband included) fell apart. I should say that we (my siblings and I) should have all fallen apart too but we did not. We were not broken. When my parents marriage fell apart we fell too but our fall was cushioned by a miracle of God. We did not went into extremes of depression or insecurities or trust issues; i say not into extremes because growing up in poverty - flat broke almost all the time, no daddy to look up too, relatives blaming your mommy for all the things that has gotten wrong because she's the one of the 2 amongst her brothers and sisters to finished college but didn't help out to the family and worst of all gotten herself pregnant marrying in a bad timing and left by her husband to fend for herself and begging her family to help her and her kids (mostly for her kids) will certainly leave you with insecurities and fear of trusting any guy around, but we were good. We got honors and awards in school, we were obedient, we did well through out and we matured.
God was good. We grew up with healthy mental faculties, compassionate hearts and godly characters. We owe it all to our mother (and to our aunts and uncles who have been so generous in their love and support to us).
Now that we have grown up albeit slowly, i was wondering what was has gone wrong in between then and now. Why have our choices gone awry? our decisions so selfish? and our focus ungodly?
What are we to do? I know, i know.... i have to let it go - i couldn't control things and stuff to go the way i thought they should go but i wish we were little again.... so they will listen to me.
I wish I'm not so good in doing the job of avoidance but I am... I am also so emotionally focused on a certain issue or problem until they are solved. If i think that i could not do it then i feel so sleepy all of the sudden(literally sleepy), i'm yawning incessantly until i could dozed off somewhere or miraculously find something that will have this heavy weight on the head and heart blown away.
If someone out there has got a good coping mechanism... a step by step guide into handling this kind of thing.... please, please share your thoughts?
Well, whatever!
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| I look horrible don't i? |
I have grown up a normal child -well as normal as one can be in a broken family. My mother was the best. She's have had all my admiration for remaining and being strong (still) even after all of her dream family (husband included) fell apart. I should say that we (my siblings and I) should have all fallen apart too but we did not. We were not broken. When my parents marriage fell apart we fell too but our fall was cushioned by a miracle of God. We did not went into extremes of depression or insecurities or trust issues; i say not into extremes because growing up in poverty - flat broke almost all the time, no daddy to look up too, relatives blaming your mommy for all the things that has gotten wrong because she's the one of the 2 amongst her brothers and sisters to finished college but didn't help out to the family and worst of all gotten herself pregnant marrying in a bad timing and left by her husband to fend for herself and begging her family to help her and her kids (mostly for her kids) will certainly leave you with insecurities and fear of trusting any guy around, but we were good. We got honors and awards in school, we were obedient, we did well through out and we matured.
God was good. We grew up with healthy mental faculties, compassionate hearts and godly characters. We owe it all to our mother (and to our aunts and uncles who have been so generous in their love and support to us).
Now that we have grown up albeit slowly, i was wondering what was has gone wrong in between then and now. Why have our choices gone awry? our decisions so selfish? and our focus ungodly?
What are we to do? I know, i know.... i have to let it go - i couldn't control things and stuff to go the way i thought they should go but i wish we were little again.... so they will listen to me.
I wish I'm not so good in doing the job of avoidance but I am... I am also so emotionally focused on a certain issue or problem until they are solved. If i think that i could not do it then i feel so sleepy all of the sudden(literally sleepy), i'm yawning incessantly until i could dozed off somewhere or miraculously find something that will have this heavy weight on the head and heart blown away.
If someone out there has got a good coping mechanism... a step by step guide into handling this kind of thing.... please, please share your thoughts?
Well, whatever!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
----- ------ ------
My life can best be described as calm, consistent, all straight lines. If it is to be likened to a color I can say its gray, moss green, light brown or beige with only a spark of yellow and blue from time to time. Compared to other people I know, it seems too dull – no high adventures, no exciting surprises. I attribute my colorless existence to my love for predictability. I want things that I don’t have to be surprise about…my previous surprises did not leave a positive feeling about me…. More often than not the mark they left me made me swear “never again” (as if I control my life).
Please don’t get me wrong; I love the idea of adventure… the likes of Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Lucy of Narnia. But the painful truth is because of past experiences, failures or trials so hard and difficult it left my heart bruised and my eyes red, I lost all courage (but not the desire) to venture out from my comfort zone… even if it’s not the best thing, even if it’s mediocrity (I hate that term when I was in high school)… even if it’s colorless.
I am better now. I’m slowly taking the steps away from who I was – from fear – from comfort- from monotone. I know I should take jumps or speed-walk… but I’ll take my time. I do not want to forget what my real purpose is. I was not saved to just be dull. My God did not give up His life so I can just exist. Realizing that fact changed the way my coconut shell think. It is very surprising sometimes how stupid and unresponsive our mental faculties can get when it concerns things that have a definite, absolute lasting value and worth in our lives.
May I have to courage and boldness to lead my life the way my God wants it. Honestly, trying to be want He wants me to be can be very very exhausting… I realized I was doing everything on my own. Trying to be holy, trying to be good, trying to be an example… but failing miserably. It leaves me no peace and I’m only successful in alienating God when all I desire is to be of service to Him.
So for now my life goes on – and with it is his promise… “I have already given you everything that you need for life and godliness”.
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