reflection 1

a chic little place by the road overlooking one side of panglao island in bohol. the area can accommodate only 5 tables that can seat maximum of 3 comfortably. their tables are covered with luscious greens and topped with thick glass. the whole place screams of relaxation. it is perfect for coffee and books or private little tit-a-tit with girlfriend/s. 

for from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. romans 11:36

the infinite depths are His, and the infinite heights are His. He is the destination of all things. there is no explanation beneath God. no matter how deep you go, there is God. He is the last explanation whether you go down to causes or go up to purposes.

what a broken foot did to my life

how do you react when you are confronted with extreme poverty, a terminal illness or worst sudden death of a loved one?

in my case it is a broken foot.

for the first time in my life i decided to try my skill in driving a motor bike wearing my below-the-knee penciled skirt. I know, i know. how could i be so stupid, right? But i was.

I wanted to get some jogging pants for the children in my pastor's house and i wanted to go before the children's class end. So i ask ems to drive the bike and we'll go. i went out first, my signal for her to please hurry up (she always takes time to get off her desk, every single time!)

while waiting for her outside, i got the key of the bike and turned on the ignition but did not really let go. pastor ian turned the bike for me since i was having a really hard time turning it around in a graveled parking lot. well, to be honest wearing a penciled skirt while practicing bike, was not a very brilliant move.

i was able to drive it outside the gate and unto the bumpy, rocky, unpaved pathway and i stopped in little curb just maybe 3 meters away from the actual paved road. I stopped because i was thinking, "i can't do this". i was also calculating if I can make it safely to the paved road past that less than 2 meters of "gate". yes, there was a barbed fence separating the dirt, rocky, bumpy road from the paved one and the gateway is just less than 2 meters.

i did it anyway, i felt myself challenge myself and i pumped the gas and the next thing i know i have smashed my face in a bamboo post. i was on the dirty pavement holding my face but feeling something wet coming out of my nose. i heard people scared voices screaming and running to help me. someone shouted i was bleeding and hold my head up but there was so much blood coming out of my nose that i have to shake my head and spit out the blood or else i would choke on it. i can see people - my friends scared faces looking down at me not knowing what to do. they were probably thinking i was in a critical condition and not able to think clearly.

but i was coherent, i was thinking fast. i ask somebody to bring me ice to put on my nose to staunch the bleeding - somebody brought me a very big avocado flavored iced candy! Margie was looking atme with horror in her eyes and she keep repeating, "she punctured her nose", so I asked her, "does my face looked that damaged?"

ate lani and ems and other people called a tricycle and i was helped into it. i noticed that there was some scratches on the side of my foot and and it hurts to move put my weight into it, so i limped into the tricycle.

we arrived at the hospital, there's no available wheelchair in sight, so again i limped my way inside the ER. my vitals were checked, i was asked questions and then they determined there was not enough blood for my case to be interesting so i was left with a PGI (post graduate intern) to deal with. she said i need and x-ray for my head & my head. then she asked me to follow her and i found out then i can't limped anymore. my left foot has swollen so she said that needs to be x-rayed too. i thought, that foot is the least of my problems. really.

she asked me if i lost consciousness during the accident, or i feel nauseated or if i have a head ache and when i said no she seemed to look relieve. i asked her how long do i have to watched out for these things to occur and she said 72 hours.

that's when the worry set in. what if i damage my nose or ill throw up later tonight or ill have terrible head aches tomorrow. I have head aches for very non sense reason all the time. when its to hot or if i lacked sleep or during my period or when i'm stressed. what if... what if... worries i did not have to have since i'm just still on my way to the x-ray room.

when i got the result of my x-ray, the doctor, a junior consultant, told me, "your head and face are fine. what you have are just bruising and busted lip. the bleeding will stop, it's just temporary. put ice on it. but you do have a problem with your foot!

he said it emphatically, almost harshly. he held up the x-ray picture and pointed to me which bone is broken. "you can do two things", he said. "you can have it wrap in a bandage or put in a cast here now. Either way, you will see an orthopedic doctor in the morning. He will determine if you would be in a cast or if you need surgery".

And i was like, SURGERY?????!!!!! What????!!! (all in my head of course)

SURGERY = weeks and weeks of healing, what if i can't walk anymore... and the money. where would we get the money for it. we are saving for a house!

But we went to the ortho doctor the next morning. and he said he strongly suggest to me that my foot on a cast is the best way for now. let the body heal itself. for six longggggggggggg weeks.
i was devastated inside. those are horribly long days and hours.

all my fears came into surface and i did asked God why. why did this happened? because i was careless and i miss calculated the risk. but then there are a lot of people who courted trouble everyday. people who do not even pray for safety, etc.

i already know the answer in my heart. that God has his own reasons why he allowed this uncomfortable and very difficult situation to happen to me. i do not fully understand it yet, but here are a few things that might come out of this:

1. i did not hit my eye on the barbed wire - i have not been back there yet but my friends told me that my lipstick ( i just put on a fresh one before i smashed my face) is just a few inches below the wire. i could have been blind right now but i wasn't.

2. friends who worried for me and prayed for me and took care of me.

- i am not suffering from too much pain - just terrible itchiness and a desire to take the cast out.

3. family who visited me and bought me groceries. haha

4. husband who understood me, listened to my ramblings and mopings and encourages me and just loves me through and through.

5. a time to reflect and meditate and get to know God in a different way.

6. a time to study and read and read and study

7.  a time to be dependent on God and a chance to trust him and what he wants in my life.

8. a time for vulnerability and brokenness
a time to acknowledge to myself not just silently, that i am sooooooooooo limited so inept to deal with life without the power of God

I dont have a terminal illness, nor am i extremely poor, no one that i loved was taken away by God yet but i did have a scary moment. i must admit it still is scary... now though i can push myself to constantly call on God to consistently trust him (still learning), persistently look on to his promises that everything, every single thing in my life is for his glory.

make me love you, Lord

been couch potato all day today. still lying on the couch and staring on my blank screen. i do not know what to write. 

every time i thought of writing something
i want to cry.
no, actually i want to bowl. 
i don't really know why
but of course that statement
is all wrap up in a lie.

have you searched my heart my God?
Have you found something of yours in there?
Have you seen the rough edges?
the callous and the actual emptiness?

You might not believe this my God
but despite all that 
this heart is longing for you
for your fulfillment 
for the flooding of your grace

this heart wants to fall in love with you
again and again and again
this heart wants to see beauty in everything
knowing that you are its everything

make me love you Lord
make me long for you
make me hunger for you
devastate my heart with your presence

that i may live my life
every single minute of it for the purpose
of serving you, of pleasing you, of loving you

it's all about you

it's all about you, Jesus

and all this is for you

for your glory and your fame

it's not about me

as if you should do things my way

you alone are God and i surrender,

to your ways

Jesus, lover of my soul

all consuming fire is in your gaze

Jesus, i want you to know

i will follow you all my days

no one else in history is like you

history itself belongs to you

Alpha & Omega you have loved me

i will spend eternity with you

i did not mean to write all the lyrics of this song in this entry. i came in to work today and one of my co-worker was singing this and it stuck to me the whole day. yes, i think it must be what they call as the last song syndrome but i'd like to think that God is speaking to my heart through this song too.

God speaks to us in many different ways. and lately he has been tugging into my heart - reminding me through his words that though i may not truly understand everything that is going on, his hands is still leading me towards him if i choose to honor him.

choosing God everyday is a challenge because there are situations that are not in favor to my comfort.  i keep reminding myself that the steps that i take must lead to character and faith growth.

every single step i choose to follow now will show who or what will i become - a person so in love with my Savior that it shows in every thing that i say & do.

undignified

it's funny sometimes when we declare that we do not need to please anybody - just ourselves. we say, "as long as this makes me happy, i do not mind what others will say". that truth is very subjective at times because now and again what makes us happy is when we see other people , our friends and families, our acquaintances and love ones,  approve and is pleased with what we've accomplished and achieved. i am not sure if that is also true with you but it is with me. i fail to remember that i'm supposed to "do everything, absolutely and undoubtedly, everything for the glory of God". 

last sunday's message was about the audience of one. our GOD. losing our supposed reservations so God would be glorified. do more and exhaust everything we got

i couldn't help but remember a long time ago when i was with my Immanuel Bible College group on a 3 day conference in waterfront hotel that involved a non-stop praise and worship for 5 hours. i can still see in my mind that while the whole congregation of people were jumping and swaying and clapping in time with the song, i just stood there clapping my hands. my friends from both sides, and from the front and the back of where i was sitting was already doing all they can so i'd jump. but i didn't. why? i'm not used to jumping and dancing, clapping yes, but dancing and jumping? gracious me! you may laugh but i was embarrassed about what will people say to me. i know i would look so awkward.

so the message hit me hard. and as always when God speaks to you, you sit in your chair and squirm and soak what he wants you to learn - so you could grow.

2 Samuel 6:17-19

¹⁷ They brought the ark of the LORD and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the LORD.¹⁸ After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD Almighty. ¹⁹ Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.

david has been dreaming of bringing the Ark of the Covenant, which was the symbol of God's presence during the old testament times, to the city of david in jerusalem. king david was so desperate to please God so much that he sacrificed oxens and fattened lambs every sixth steps all the way to the city.

... and david danced before the Lord with all his might - wearing only a linen ephod... 

he was dancing in the streets a midst the blowing of ram's horns and loud shouting in praise for God's great goodness in allowing the Ark of the Covenant to be brought upon the city of david. he didn't care what he must have look like to the onlookers. all he wanted was to make God see how grateful he was!

but.

^{2 Samuel 6:16-20}

¹⁶ As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart...

she DESPISED him in her heart! talk about crazy! what were she thinking?! she was more concerned with what other people would say, with what the "slave girls" would think of her husbands dignity. probably she was thinking, "how would this make me look?"

²⁰ When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”

what was the price for her indignant thought and insulting outburst?

2 Samuel 6:23

²³ And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

as for David.

2 Samuel 6: 21-22

²¹ David said to Michal, “It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the LORD. ²² I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”

david was not called a man after God's own heart for nothing. he did not mind what people thought of him, he didn't mind what his wife had to say, he cared nothing about his status as a king. all he did was "danced and praised" God. and it paid off. God blessed him and michal got what was due her.

would i be willing to do the "undignified" (and i'm not just talking of dancing) for God's glory?
would i willingly "sacrifice" (if i'm really shameless to say sacrifice) propriety and poise so i can delight myself in him?
how about you? are you willing to do all that it takes?
or would you rather be michal?

*personal enlightenment comes if u read the whole chapter of 2 Samuel 6* (just saying)

rain on me, reign on me

okay, I said to myself, I'll take a cat nap just until it stops raining.... 2 hours after the "cat nap" it's still at it... so i changed my clothes and prepare for a long evening... i slept around 9:30pm and when i woke up .... TADA! its still pouring rain!... nearly 72 hours, give or take a few.


much too much? don't think so...


im a rain lover, well really if the weather is cool and breezy im sure to love it. a friend before told me that she doesnt care for rainy season as she feels rather melancholic if its raining... not me! love rainy seasons... "rainy days and mondays" does not get me down!


it has been raining a lot these days... climate change i guess. wet season that was supposed to have come and gone september to december is invading new year and im sure will stay until febuary... who knows ... we cannot predict the weather these days - they give us no heads up like the olden days :-D


rain always represents dull days, cloudy moments, extreme trials, life in a duldrom and many other "down moments"

paul mccartney sang:

"Smile when you're spinning round and round

Sigh as you think about tomorrow

Make a vow that your gonna be happy again

It's all right in your life no more rain"

he rather mean that its okay if youre gray and melancholy and is wishing for "no more rain".


there was a time before when i would wallow in self pity and desperation because i cant seem to  grasp the purpose that i know i should live for - i WISH and PRAY for the future to come.


and now the future is here. one ive longed and wished for -- not much exciting as i have hoped for but definitely more interesting in comparison to my past.


raining, if i agree and let it mean trial and testing,  so early in my life has helped shaped my character and the way i see things... it has strengthen my faith and me as a person and pushed me to trust and depend on Someone who knows my future wayyyyyy more than i could.


So do i want drizzle?


Certainly not! (My God, before i say the next sentence i want full immunity and total guidance and pretocetion... i know, i know you're already on it but it does not hurt to say it again. LOL)


I want a torrential rain!!!

welcome 2012 - resolutions (well, sort of)

If you know me you know that it won't be me  when I say I am ecstatic about 2012 :-D; so the right word to describe what i felt would be that I’m GENUINELY excited about 2012 about what my God has in store for me.

It's a worldwide thought i guess that New Years Resolution lasts only a week and others who are more purposeful lasts longer. There are even those who avoided resolutions on the premise of ‘make no promises, tell no lies’. I am one of those who can't follow through a resolution...Mostly because I bite off more than I can chew and then everything fizzles out....even with that discouraging habit of mine, I still think this is an exciting time of year to set goals and establish new perspectives

So what I'm gonna do is make my New Year’s resolutions this year on broad perspective... I want to establish goals which I believe will lead me to making wiser decisions throughout the 2012.  

Psalm 39.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.

Remind me that my days are numbered—
how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
at best, each of us is but a breath.”
Show me, God, my life’s end. Show me the number of my days. Show me how fleeting my life is.

I want to live in 2012 with the awareness that my days are numbered.

Like everyone else I can get caught up in trying to rush through life acquiring things, trying to attain security, and achieving meaningless goals our culture has deemed worthy.  But so many of the things I focus on and worry about are simply futile.

I waste time regretting things from the past I can’t change. I settle for mediocrity trying to avoid difficult decisions and conversations. I get consumed with trying to be loved instead of loving others. I squander precious moments trying to control things I can’t control.

I don’t want that to be my life. 

So this year I’m making a resolution, a commitment, a promise to view my life differently.

I pray it will help me love deeper, pray harder, focus more intently, and seek to make the greatest impact with my one and only life that I possibly can.

And... Tada!!!

1) Read More. I've always been a book worm but lately a lot of non-sense has taken my time. Surf Less. This means less time in any sites which does not enrich me mentally and spiritually... or better yet, less time online. Period. (lol)

2) Eat healthy (eat more) - gain weight. Exercise more. I know being genetically thin doesn't mean that i have to be lazy and that i can eat all the junk food and calorie-overwhelming food that i want. This also means less coffee and soda (gracious goodness!)

3) Give more. Giving is a gift... i have to develop this attitude. Spend less. This needs a lot of work. 

4) Involvement.  In church, with friends, my family and at work. Be more open with others (though i have no idea how to do that)

5.)Worry Less. This is not easy... i do think i'm a pessimist. I know right? a christian isn't supposed to be this (more work for me). Pray More. 

6) Be grateful. For everything.

7) Journal Consistently. Read my Bible in a systematic way (re-learn my theology) and write about what God has impressed in my heart. 

8) Learn HTML and CSS (desperately want to...hopefully somebody will come forth and make an offer)

I still have a lot more written in my journal but this are the stuff that I'm comfortable sharing for now. I know, I know --- this will take a lot of effort (and that's just putting it lightly- whew!) and also i'll be begging for God's grace every step of the way. But i truly am excited about this and pray that God will help me through