are you what you're thinking?

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 

Philippians 4:8

tonight's devotional did not make me feel good - at all. i want a verse that speaks to me about having faith, or that God would provide and that God just wants me to wait etc. 

but then i read this verses tonight and it hits me. because i could use this. this is what i need. i have to be positive in my thoughts. i have to screen my thoughts no matter how tempting to do otherwise. i heard and read somewhere that "you are what you think". and if that is the case i don't want to be what i am thinking a lot of times.

those does not glorify God. i want to be positive, to be an encourage r, to be confident. not because i can do it but because i have God by my side. 

A reminder to myself today:

* i don't need new things to make me happy. sure i get excited when i get new stuff. but right at this moment in my life i want more to be a blessing. to be a change. to help effect change. i might be talking-non-sense to others because i admit it who, would not be happy with a new shoes? or a classic looking bag? a shiny new gadget? but i have to check myself. stuffs are not what are making me they are tools to reach my goal - to be a catalyst of change not a material hoarder. if i feel empty or lacking i don't want to go around rushing to "shop" because "to every girls problem, shopping is the cure".

this is not a recent discovery i have felt this way even before. whenever i get lots of material blessings, or financial abundance i feel a little displaced. i start thinking that i feel guilty which is not healthy at all because I am 100 percent sure that every good and perfect gifts comes from above, i feel like maybe there is more to what i recieved than meets the eye when i get a blessing financial, material or otherwise.

i know i have a long way in learning and growing in many areas in my life. but i really do want that i will be able to communicate my purpose. i am here because God wants me to be here. I am doing what God wants me to do. he wants me to do it competently. humbly. passionately. and that if i do it that way i will be able to reflect his glory. 

   ------

journal Feb 21, 2014

used up

this morning started very slow and lazy. probably due to the gloomy weather brought about by the low pressure in this tropical country of ours. love rainy days on a monday :-). after I've had my journal and prayer time, i began to surf around my favorite bloggers and i was so blessed by what charissa wrote on her blog. she was reflecting her own personal experiences about her own family and her commitment to our Jesus and her words touched my heart so much. 

she wrote:

 More than ever my heart needs its God. Not one of small stories or tidy boxes but one strong enough to sustain me in the face of grief and be my reason for celebrating. He is there and I’m continuing to learn him in a new way through new stages. I want to remember how this process of breaking into new territory feels. Will I ever understand all His ways? No. Not in their fulness. Lately he has chosen? permitted? not intervened? in ways I don’t understand...... His blend of power and reticence, action and restraint seems so paradoxical at times.

When I die, when all of these remembrances are tomorrow,  I want to be all used up.

 want everything I have; every ounce of bodily strength, every bit of passion, every possession to be given away to someone who needs it more.

What is the purpose of life if not to pour yourself out like an offering for someone else? To give comfort to one who feels alone? To grieve with one who has an aching heart? To put yourself and your preferences to the side for the sake of another?

God has an amazing way of talking to us. when i am least giving and think more about myself he consistently let his Holy Spirit speak into my heart. and like charissa i find myself thinking that his ways are paradoxical and i won't ever understand fully, all of his ways. but i am so willing to be all used up. to be part of what he is mightily doing now. 

latest discovery

I have discovered lately that love is a very powerful force that can and is able to change one's outlook and the way we perceive things. that when we love truly and deeply, we not only change ourselves but we also affect and change the object of our affection. "our lives are shaped and fashioned by the people who loves us and those who refuses to love us" - this adage is true in many sense.


i am so blessed to be allowed and given the opportunity to love someone. it is an overwhelming emotion and a big responsibility. everyday i wake up and think, "how can i treat this person with more respect and gratitude; how can i show him that i care and that all i could think of is his well-being and how can i make him happy?"


but despite the seemingly awesome and generous display of emotion and actions when your in love, there is also this fear that creeps up slowly... fear of losing yourself so thoroughly that you lose you own identity, fear of not being able to give enough - of your time, effort, resources, affections. and ultimately fear that despite that maybe person you showered all your passion too will not love you back the way you expected to be love.


for there is no crushing disappointment, no wound so deep, no hurt so depressing than if your love isn't reciprocated.


but then again, the word of God, the Bible, teaches us that true love does not expect nothing in return. it isn't conditional and is very sacrificial. so when we love, we are much neared to the nature of our Lord Jesus Christ, for his very nature is love.

My old town

A recent trip home has reminded me of the past
My old school with its unmanicured lawns and peeling paints
Brought back nostalgic memories
I do not know how to react


A diner we used to hang-out
… the signage has already one screw left
The side walk we trudged up and down during school days
… pavements are now missing
… puddles of rain has collected in the holes were the cement would have been


The plaza with its green grasses and newly painted bench
… with its stadium where we use to cheer our lungs out for our fave team
… with its outlined walks and glittering lights in the late afternoon
– the grasses are now brown; desperately thirsting for rain
– the stadium benches badly needs repair
– the walks dusty and only one yellow bulb hanging in every corner


The old movie house with its creaking chairs and musty-old-moss smell
They once echo the giggling and the sniffling of us…
Now it’s no more – it’s has been turned into a cell phone shop


The sweeping meadows, with stubborn wild grasses swaying in time with the wind
Hectares upon hectares of twisting sugarcane stalks ready to be harvested as far as the eyes can see
-- it’s now subdivided, lonely and dry


Rushing rivers that once has heard the screams and squeals of carefree children
Frantic voices of parents warning us to be careful
…it’s now carabao’s bath… dark and murky.


The wild guavas, tamarind and “kamunsil” plants we plundered
The string beans and peanuts still young enough to be picked
The heavenly sweetened “58” sugarcanes we coveted
-nothing is left, just grasses and hardened soil


The ponds we used to fish with cut off tree limbs and crushed snails for bait
– the ponds have dried and the snails are scattered and few


I could not forget the feel of pure mud on my toes
As we chase dragonflies in the rice fields
Nor the grainy sand on my feet as we picked “tino-tino”




The rest of the world has been modernized now
The cities are shinier
The cars are slicker and faster
The malls are bigger and crowdier
The parks are wider, merrier, more entertaining
The internet has made the world smaller (though still damn big) – more accessible
Movies are available in 3D’s (gasp*) unthinkable


My town has grown old though – wrinkled – aged
Almost everyone in it wants to get out of it
Those who are out want to stay out and have no desire of coming back in…
It’s almost a sin just to think these thoughts,
I mean not coming back?
But it seems to be that way now…


*photo grabbed from Google images* 

If Only

A dear friend said to me one day

Have you heard yourself talk recently?

Your sentences end with words like “there’s no possibility”

And your grammars filled with “if only”

If only I have the power like Jean Grey

Imagine the things I can change through my mind

If only I have the influence of the best journalist

Imagine I can affect the way people think

If only I have the prominence and authority of a President

Imagine the change and impact I can do for my country

If only I can…then maybe I will…

Heal all the broken hearted

Bring back families who are separated

Maybe cure all hearts that are hurting

And so stop all the crying?

If only I have lots of money, then I will…

Feed all the hungry

Provide jobs for the needy

Care for the sickly

And maybe eliminate all signs of poverty

But I don’t have the power

The pesos in my pockets are fewer

My chances and opportunities are small, limited and far between

I am not mighty or strong

I cannot do anything on my own

In reality what I can do does not reach even a small percent of what I wish

In reality I struggle with my own limitations and insecurities

In reality I am overwhelmed by doubts and weaknesses

In reality I am immobilized by fear and failure

There are times I wish I am smarter, oozing with wisdom and maybe even shrewder

That I am more graceful and dripping wet with confidence

But then I was reminded of a few things

That God uses us not because we are mighty or pretty

Not because we are tall, strong or witty

But because we have the heart and the attitude

That is willing to say yes to any God given opportunity

Yes, I am not all that

Maybe, I will never be what I wish or want to be

But this I know and am sure of

My life is much more beautiful and secure

If I let my God rule over me

Use me and guide me and mold me

Not into a hero I would want myself to be

But into a person he has created wonderfully

“If Only” is not my chant anymore

I can leave things to the hands of the father I adore

I know in my heart and in my soul

That if I cannot trace the dark paths ahead

I can trust his heart instead

(Created: December 4, 2008)