happiness

what makes me happy. 

one. it's the first thing that comes to mind and it's pretty obvious. it's the man. he's wonderful for a million reasons. he makes me feel deliriously crappy( :D) and happy. he makes me feel completely out of this world. it's the best.

two. coffee. i know i mustn't but i could not help it... even with my hyper-acidity and my heart burns i still am turned on (well kinda, what a term!) by the smell of steaming cup of hot coffee.

three. laughing. admittedly, i am not the typical open-to-all-jokes (whatever that means) kind of person. but i like to laugh when there is something funny. it feels good. so long as people don't laugh at my expense. i am still learning the art of laughing at my own mistakes.

four. writing. i am so far off from being a real writer/blogger but i like to scribble down my thoughts, it frees something inside of me. and i can look back to what i have written and realize where i am in comparison to my past (well sort of).

five. reading and movies. other than me squeezing all good things i can get from doing this two things, these are also sort of therapeutic. in order for me to completely turn my mind off something,  reading and watching a good movie is a must.

six. jeans and tees. life becomes comfy when your clad in these

seven. presents. all right. i don't like surprises very much. but then i maybe lying when i say i really don't like surprises. what girl doesn't? but anticipating is awesome. i mean the tension just builds and builds and heightens and then burst into colorful fireworks when the thing you have been anticipating is/has arrived/achieved.

eight. hanging out with friends and family. i am not a very sociable person. it takes time for me to warm up to people. i am not the kind to just walk up to someone and introduce myself unless it's absolutely necessary but to all my friends and family - i can't live without them! it is so nice to just be with them. the good thing with family and friends too is that you don't have to make small talks and when you see each other your conversations just took up from where you left it off the other day :D or the day before that or the day before that . lol.

nine. sandy beach/tall mountains. maybe not so tall mountains. lol. but i know you will agree with me that a nice beach and a high place absolutely changes one's mood. in actuality, i think i have a problem settling back to "work-mode" after i spend sometime outside of it :D

ten. food. yep, that's right it makes me happy (i never thought of food that way before). flavors are comforting...but i am biased for things that are spicy and creamy :D. corn on the cob is gooood, peanut butter or nutella on a spoon - heavenly. lol. 

eleven. sisters. alright i said 10. but well, it is my list. lol. these two and are as different as night and day but we are sisters for a reason. one's life is as stunted as a bonsai plant without the other. without one of them life is a bit unthinkable. i mean who will i fight with and share my dark secrets?! lol.

so, having dinner of very good food (gambas in particular) in a nice sandy beach (preferablyshangri-la just coz i haven't been there) with the man (lol). and go someplace where there's nice coffee and hang out with friends and family where there's laughter. then my sis would come and surprise me with a nice (or more than nice) present! then go home, have a good bath, settle in the couch to write about the evening and then read a Jane Austen before drifting off to la-la land. 

that kind of sum up happiness for the day.

i wish the world is smaller.

how about you, what makes you happy?

When?

I wonder how long am I gonna be able to stand this? the silent days, the numbness of pain, the desperately irritating frustration of not getting what I want...

guess i'm just affected a boring day at work today... certainly tomorrow is gonna be better. i need tomorrow to be better.

Need

       Pictures that says everything i feel in a nutshell...

              Sounds pathetic? 

                     ... truth is I've no 

                                 excuse...

Fuck Hate the distance .... you should be here!

  

               ... have you ever felt a need as desperately embarrassing as this?!


Denial doesn't help at all ...

Rezzzzzzzz

I saw this video of what happens during a "Rock climbing Session" and goodness gracious! It looks gut wrenching scary! I mean I hear Ranley talk about it all the time... i mean like ALL the time and I always say trite words like be careful and the likes but I've never really imagine how high the rocks or how tiny the screws are (they have weird names, by the way, Lucky or Bandito) or how thin the rope looks from afar... blah blah blah.. lol i could go on - On the other hand it is BREATHTAKING! The way that gigantic rock stands so tall and proud in the middle of brown sand (or whatever), the openness of the place, the beautiful, fragile looking grasses with their teeny weeny white flowers dancing in time with the breeze, that windmill (i thought windmills like that don't exist anymore), the dumb sheep (lol they have to wait for the truck to pass by before they decide to cross the trail, I mean why not run the other way?!), the way the shadows climb over the canyon (it looks like it), the sunrise (orange and red and yellow in a nice blend) ... it is awesome and for that matter the sunset, where the orange slowly creeping on the blue of the sky... DUSK and DAWN has a real meaning, i think, in this place. 

Maybe it's just a normal day, in a normal place or maybe its the expertise (if he's an expert) of the one who made the video or maybe his patience in capturing what life is in the outskirts of the Reservation but I am so amazed :D. I forgot to mention the smooth blue skies, the star-dotted night with too many falling stars (I've never seen so many falling starts in one night!)

This is where I've seen what I've been gushing about:Rez Land

Just Once

Today is Holy Friday. I do not know if any other countries celebrate the Passion Week as we do here in the Philippines with all the rituals and the mass services and the reenactment of the sufferings Jesus had,  to "atone" for whatever evil and wrong things they may have done before in their lives and they expect to have a "clean slate". Plus the whole nation is in a Holiday. No work, no stores open (so you have to do your groceries and shopping before Holy Friday or you will starve), and and almost non-existent public rides! Almost everyone is trying to be holy and stand still because they do not want to "anger" the Lord or do not want to get hurt because they would not heal for a day - the Lord is dead.

Such backward and naive thinking, I thought but imagine my surprise and shock when one of my co-workers told me that one of the mother amongst our beneficiaries blurted out that Jesus dies every year during Holy Week! She was really in awe to know that Jesus Christ died only once almost 2000 years ago to save us from our sins! And she was like, What???!!! really!!!??? "I thought that Jesus has to die every year that is why, I feel guilty the worst this time of the year!

When i heard that I laugh because it seems to be unthinkable that in our country at this time when we thought that almost everyone has heard of the truth already, that Jesus died only once and is now alive forevermore, there are still sooo many people like this. So innocent and blind of the greatest truth ever. I laugh then i sobered up...because i can feel (almost) my heart cracking and breaking. This woman has been with us for almost 6 months and she doesn't know this ultimate truth. It's horrible. I have to do better than that; we have to do better than that

.

This Holy Week is not like the previous one's... this week my eyes were open because of this one woman. That we don't lapse around in our christian duties. We were not saved to just come to church and hear sermons and feel good if we do a good thing or two... we are saved so we could tell others that there is more to life than just cooking sticky rice on Holy Week, more to life than just going to mass, more to life than just wiping their hanky's on a dead idol so they be blessed for the rest of the year, more to life than just staying inside the house during Holy Friday... that our Christ died only once so that we could have LIFE and have it more ABUNDANTLY!

Mid-Week Randomness

* Spent time with Les and Ruby - Carsten (Les' fiancée) allowed her a sleepover in our house which turned out to be fun and exhausting. A reminiscing of the past childhoods funny (and not so funny) habits... when it was time to sleep Les wants me to produce a mosquito net. Yes, you heard me right. It's one habit she has not given up... she could't sleep without it much like i couldn't sleep without socks :D

* I have Binignit (sticky rice cooked in coconut oil with lots of things i don't know the name of in English) for lunch for two days now because I'm really lazy to actually cook something and bring them with me to work and lazy to go out and find decent food. Not that Binignit is bad, it's good.

* My darling sister Les gave me my first ever designer wallet! Yep, a DKNY! it's hers given by her previous Boss as departure gift and she didn't like it much and Carsten gave her a new one so she's being kind hearted and gave it to me..... It is my ONLY decent wallet in years! in YEARS! I'm not picky and I couldn't have cared less but now that i have it I'm really grateful.

* My big toe on the right and small "middle toe" just fell off! I AM DEAD! I have been wearing doll and close flat shoes for two weeks now...waaaaa... I love wearing slippers, flip flops or open sandals. All my shoes are either wedges or open sandals! I don't have any close shoes except for the doll shoes. The doctor told me it will take 6 months or a year to have my nails in full growth and even then they wouldn't look and feel the same. I don't know how I will solve that yet!

That's all for now... i don't feel like adding anything yet after my dead nails :(

Bohol Trip

Once again I am in Bohol. This time I'm with the the most passionate and awesome people from the church. I didn't really wanna remember the last time that we were here. definitely not.

My Church Family

 The traveling was really tiring, intersting, amazing (some) and also very hot. We left cebu by the ferry at around 7 am. We were all crowded inside cramp into the small belly of a fast craft. It was a two (or less) hour trip. Then we arrive in Tubigon, Bohol; the sun was shining very fiercely... it stings the skin. The idea/ plan was to pass by lots and lots of places before lunch in Loboc River.... So first we went to Sagbayan peak.

 I didn't climb the peak due to the fact that i don't wanna risk being sun burned and sun stroke (whichever).  But it was definitely freakin hot up there and even down were we were waiting for the others to descend from their trek.  Then next we tried the hanging bridge.

 It was an experience. Their were two hanging bridge and it was swinging! I use to think i am scared of hanging bridges... not anymore. At first i feel light and woozy.. sort of your falling into something then i got over it and even helped rock the bridge to scare the others!!! lol.

We had coconut juice they're-fresh!

 I bought one for Adams and for Ruby and paid for it but Adams got tricked by the owner and he paid again for the same coconut that i already paid for! Some people are really shocking if they can get away with whatever.




Then off we went to chocolate hills.                          

The place has improved a lot since i was here last - one thing was awesome was they had an air conditioned CR.. Yay!.. if you wanna cool off after the steep climb to God-knows how many steps, you can actually hang inside the toilets and you can cool you jets! lol.
Its wondrous how God design our world... i mean in my layman's thoughts about how these hills were made it was mind blowing... they look so perfect - well not really but the tip of most of them looks like chocolate because the grasses has turned into a deep brown because of the sun. the lower parts are still green though which is i think cool to the eyes...

  

 Then we went to Loboc River for lunch.     

River Boat where we had our lunch

a small low falls at the end of the river trip

 We were alll sooooooooo hungry and i mean that! Everyone of us looks sleepy and ready to fall off because of hunger. We had to wait 45 minutes for the lunch... i mean the boarding on the boat, then sitting there waiting for the food and smelling the food from the other boat.... I feel like screaming  - only good breeding and decency hold me back from just grabbing the friend chicken only 3 meters away from my nose. lol
The lunch itself isn't really that thought-consuming.... we ate it not with relish but with abandon... were so freakin hungry! There were fried noodles, rice, pork, barbecue, etc... Not really something i wanna brag about but we ate like a train with no brakes.. hahaha.....

ate lani enjoying the welcome song and dance

Ate lin trying to remember her tinikling dance steps :D

25 minutes into the lunch/boat ride we stopped by into a floating barge and the local people - kids and adult alike gave a nice very filipino presentation where Ate lin get to dance - well it it was a good try of Tinikling - then almost near the end of the river (looks like an end) i hear a shout like something way up and we saw a bundle of something swing by in a cable and slowly the bundle spread its hands. We realized it was a human being (who looks like a bunched rag because of the distance) doing the zip line. OMG! i swear i am going to do that as long as someone is paying for it. I will feel sort of strange doing all the shouting and scaring myself to death if i am paying for it myself.. lol.

We arrived in Panglao Island almost 7pm. the place is cute and i get to stay with Les and Carsten

Stressed Out

Life is definitely unpredictable and crazy (I should say exciting but not really). There are a lot of ups and downs, curves and forks that you have to go through while your still living it.

I look horrible don't i?

I have grown up a normal child -well as normal as one can be in a broken family. My mother was the best. She's have had all my admiration for remaining and being strong (still) even after all of her dream family (husband included) fell apart. I should say that  we (my siblings and I) should have all fallen apart too but we did not. We were not broken. When my parents marriage fell apart we fell too but our fall was cushioned by a miracle of God. We did not went into extremes of depression or insecurities or trust issues; i say not into extremes because growing up in poverty - flat broke almost all the time, no daddy to look up too, relatives blaming your mommy for all the things that has gotten wrong because she's the one of the 2 amongst her brothers and sisters to finished college but didn't help out to the family and worst of all gotten herself pregnant marrying in a bad timing and left by her husband to fend for herself and begging her family to help her and her kids (mostly for her kids) will certainly leave you with insecurities and fear of trusting any guy around, but we were good. We got honors and awards in school, we were obedient, we did well through out and we matured.

God was good. We grew up with healthy mental faculties, compassionate hearts and godly characters. We owe it all to our mother (and to our aunts and uncles who have been so generous in their love and support to us).

Now that we have grown up albeit slowly, i was wondering what was has gone wrong in between then and now. Why have our choices gone awry? our decisions so selfish? and our focus ungodly?

What are we to do? I know, i know.... i have to let it go - i couldn't control things and stuff to go the way i thought they should go but i wish we were little again.... so they will listen to me.

I wish I'm not so good in doing the job of avoidance but I am... I am also so emotionally focused on a certain issue or problem until they are solved. If i think that i could not do it then i feel so sleepy all of the sudden(literally sleepy), i'm yawning incessantly until i could dozed off somewhere or miraculously find something that will have this heavy weight on the head and heart blown away.

 If someone out there has got a good coping mechanism... a step by step guide into handling this kind of thing.... please, please share your thoughts?


Well, whatever!

----- ------ ------

My life can best be described as calm, consistent, all straight lines. If it is to be likened to a color I can say its gray, moss green, light brown or beige with only a spark of yellow and blue from time to time. Compared to other people I know, it seems too dull – no high adventures, no exciting surprises. I attribute my colorless existence to my love for predictability. I want things that I don’t have to be surprise about…my previous surprises did not leave a positive feeling about me…. More often than not the mark they left me made me swear “never again” (as if I control my life).

Please don’t get me wrong; I love the idea of adventure… the likes of Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Lucy of Narnia. But the painful truth is because of past experiences, failures or trials so hard and difficult it left my heart bruised and my eyes red, I lost all courage (but not the desire) to venture out from my comfort zone… even if it’s not the best thing, even if it’s mediocrity (I hate that term when I was in high school)… even if it’s colorless.

I am better now. I’m slowly taking the steps away from who I was – from fear – from comfort- from monotone.  I know I should take jumps or speed-walk… but I’ll take my time. I do not want to forget what my real purpose is. I was not saved to just be dull. My God did not give up His life so I can just exist. Realizing that fact changed the way my coconut shell think. It is very surprising sometimes how stupid and unresponsive our mental faculties can get when it concerns things that have a definite, absolute lasting value and worth in our lives.

May I have to courage and boldness to lead my life the way my God wants it. Honestly, trying to be want He wants me to be can be very very exhausting… I realized I was doing everything on my own. Trying to be holy, trying to be good, trying to be an example… but failing miserably. It leaves me no peace and I’m only successful in alienating God when all I desire is to be of service to Him.

So for now my life goes on – and with it is his promise… “I have already given you everything that you need for life and godliness”.

Patience Is a Virtue

I thought i was a very patient person. I'm quiet proud of it. I have checked it off from the 12 fruits of the Holy Spirit and can hold my head up and say, "I only have 11 more fruits to work on in my life".


I am so so wrong :(. Waiting is likely to drain you out. Sucking all the of your energy.


But - - -  all is not lost. "Patience is a Virtue" would not have been so popular without its merits to those who mastered it.

Rainy Days and Mondays

My mother loves The Carpenters. She used to sing to me, in a very neutral voice, songs like Top of the World, You, Rainy days on Mondays, etc. Maybe this is the reason why I have grown to love old classic and country songs.

Today is Monday. Today is raining. I love Karen Carpenters and her song, I even agree with some of her philosophy and mentality, but I just love rainy days and i love Mondays... I love the rainy seasons - the cool weather, the sober mood, the raindrops, the clean air after every rain, the smell of dust when the rain hits it the first time - its like a rejuvenation (a little bit over rated i know). I also love Mondays! the rest of the world starts their week working but I start it resting :D - every Monday i can sleep in (no alarms!), i can eat breakfast (i know that for a Filipino eating cereal in milk isn't entirely one), i can watch movies after movies, i can read or just enter my imaginary world. 

BUT, this Monday, this Rainy Monday, im not doing any of that. I'm braving the rain and mud (i am wearing slippers..ugh) to get to work. I have been working and working. It really feels good to reach your goal or catch up with the deadlines.... though i am wishing i could snuggle up with a cup of cafe mocha in my hands and watching Grey's Anatomy or something. 

I do have a minor problem, a temporary set back. I dont want to accept it but i was (alright, Am) very irritated and annoyed when some of the files that we need to submit to the main office cannot be found. We did everything to find it.. almost turned the whole blasted building up and down but still couldnt find it. We did have to send 98% of the rest so we won't be getting a zero score but still it's very frustrating. I was already threatening the whole staff that i would not allow them to have their salaries if that file were not found. Gosh, i tell you, i really have very un healthy thoughts. I wanted to be angry at someone though i know it is not sane. I am sure that if my team knows where it is they would be very happy to provide it. I am just now comforting myself that maybe i have to learn lessons in patience and extreme organization and coordination the next time.

Thank God for today! Even if it isn't a totally perfect day i still have my moments... my Boss said something nice... anything nice from him kind of give me a semblance of peace.. like everything is going to be alright... that is something.... definitely a BIG thing :D

not a bucket list

(x) Balut
(x) Kwek-kwek

(x) Kambing (goat)

(x) Aso (dog)

(x) Bayawak (giant lizard) (wayback) :-0

(x) Wild boar or wild deer

(x) Durian (candies)

(x) Palaka (frog)

(x) Adidas (chicken feet)

(x) isaw (intestine) (wayback)

( ) Soup #5 (bull's reproductive organ) ...m greatest desire...lol

Rode the following...

(X) Tricycle

(x) Karitela / Kalesa

(x) Trolley/push cart along the riles (railroad)

(x) Banka (boat)
( ) MRT / LR/Subway

(x) Jeepney
(x) Airplane
( ) Helicopter

(x) Bus where you had to stand at the estribo (doorway)

(x) Top load on a jeepney (during intership in Ozamis..definitely fun!)
(x) Fire Truck (during wild HS days)

( ) Top load on a PNR train

( ) Rode in a Love Bus
(x) Rode a motorbike and crashed it!

Been to...

( ) The Rice Terraces or Sagada

( ) Star City

( ) Enchanted Kingdom

( ) Shooting the Rapids in Cagayan(Pagsanjan or elsewhere)

(x) See the Tarsier (small wide-eyed primate)

(x) See Magellan's cross

( ) See the Black Nazarene in Quiapo

( ) Manila Zoo

(x) Crocodile farm (Palawan)

( ) Seen the Philippine Eagle in Davao
(x) Tinago Falls
(x) gone caving
(x) Siquijor

Tried the following...

(X) Played Patintero

(X) Played Tumbang Preso

(x) Played Piko (wuts piko)

(x) Played Sungka

(x) Played with Spiders

(X) Played Chinese Garter

(X) Played Chinese Jackstones

( ) Climbed a coconut tree

(x) Caught fish in the canal during a rainy day (toadpoles too)

( ) Had a salagubang (beetle) for a pet

Culturally oriented activities...

(x) Danced the Tinikling or any other native dance

( ) Attended Simbang Gabi ( Midnight Mass )

( ) Participated in Ati-Atihan

(x) Attended/participated in any religious procession (school activity)

( ) Rode a kalabaw (carabao) or baka (cow)

( ) Used gugo for shampoo

(x) Tumulay sa kawayan (walked on a bamboo pole bridge)

( ) Kept Vigil at the Cemetery for Nov.1

( ) Visited 9 (or more) churches during holy week

(x) Greeted your grandparents or elders by kissing their hand or having them touch your forehead ( I do this )

Provincial living...

(x) Eaten fish head... 

(x) Drank Lambanog (coconut wine) or Tuba (rice wine) or Basi (Sugarcane wine)

(x) Drank Batangas barako coffee or Cordillera coffee

(x) Told manananggal, aswang, capre stories during a brownout or rainy night

(x) Slept under a mosquito net or on a banig

(x) Eaten champorado with tuyo (w/o tuyo)

(x) Eaten pandesal filled with condensed milk

(x) Dunked pandesal into hot coffee

( ) Ate fried rice with coffee as your soup

(X) Took a bath under a "poso" or by the "ilog" river)

Young life...

(X) Gone to the beach in summer

( ) Rode horses in Baguio

(X) Eaten otap, piyaya, or buko pie

(x) Polished the floor with coconut husk

( ) Seen Taal Volcano

(x) Called anyone "pare/mare", "tol", or "bos/bossing"

(x) Took a bath in the rain

( ) Got a tattoo (a real one)

( ) Attended an exclusive boys/girls school

(x) Cut class (all the time during senior year)

Metro living...

( ) Got stuck in the EDSA parking lot

(x) Walked in a flood (eewwww)

(x) Lifted furniture up away from the flood water

(X) Eaten Dirty Ice Cream

(X) Eaten fish balls / squid balls sa kalye (not anymore)

( ) Attended an inuman (drinking session) in the neighborhood

(x) Lived in a boarding house

(x) Gone to the casino

( ) Gone inside Malacanang Palace

(x) Gone shopping at 168 / Divisoria

Historic Events / Places...

( ) participated in EDSA 1 / 2 / 3

( ) Marched in Mendiola

( ) Attended a Makati rally

( ) Visited the Ayala Museum

( ) Visited Corregidor

( ) Visited Bataan shrine

( ) Visited Biak na Bato

( ) Visited Rizal's house in Calamba, Laguna

(x) Visited Lapu Lapu's shrine in Mactan Island

( ) Visited Ferdinand Marcos' resting place
(x) Jose Rizal's Exiled Town, Dapitan

Others...

(x) Got stuck in your office / car / elsewhere during a storm

( ) Experienced a strong earthquake while on a floor 10 stories or higher

( ) Watched the Thrilla in Manila

( ) Get stuck in NAIA because of a VIP coming in or leaving

Sports events...

(x ) Watched horse races at the karerahan

( ) Monitored the Tour of Luzon / of the Philippines

(x) Watched a PBA game live

(x) Watched a Pacquaio fight (TV)

(x) Bet in a cock fight

Looking at this very chocolate colored water in front of the our church office's building makes me feel different and there's this urge for me to do something - make something and so my brilliant mind (at the moment) conjured up an image of little Nat-Nat playing paper boat at a water drainage very near the old house in Hinigaran.. haha... just kidding... but seriously here's how serious looking our church's office look like:

This rounded pavement allow us to play skip and jump for 6 days if its raining :D

View right in front of the church's office - it looks as if we need a canoe right there

Terrified

Wishful Longings

Lounging around and sipping tea - yep, tea. As in TEA. The drinks of the civilized people... according to ancient writings - they also said coffee is a heathen brew. Well, well.... im sure they are just prejudiced :D

Anyway, i was surfing the net and found this very nice looking Converse shoes - i know, i know, they're Chuck Taylors.... but whatever... here she goes :

Longing #1

See????!!! it has even the theme of my blog... i think this is meant to be...
Wait, my BFF thinks that this looks like a thing for people with age below 20.... i don't care very much so...

and one other thing that caught my eye is this one :

Longing #2

My deep and very reverent prayer is that i will have a house with a corner like this one... i could just picture myself sitting there with a good book and hot coffee (yep the heathen brew) and spending a long time lounging out.

That there ends my wishful longings of the moment :D

I love :D

Rainy Days

Misty Windows

Lonely Walks

David’s Psalms

Country Music

Bubbling Babies

Pistachio Ice creams

Window Seats

Moist Sand

Ice Tea

Hot Coffee

Tom and; Jerry

Freshly washed laundry

Dusks and dawns

Rubber shoes and Tees

Cool Weathers

White sheets

Comfy socks

Max Lucado

Happy endings

Chili Sauces

Quiet moments

Country sides

Sweet Corns

and him :D

To let Go Takes Love

To "let go" does no mean to stop caring, it means that I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realizatin tht I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness. which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what i dream i can be

To "let go" is not to regret the pas, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

Juliet's Letter

Dear Claire,

What and if are two words that are non threatening as words can be, but put them together side by side and they have the power to hold you for the rest of your life.

What if… what if … what if….

What if … I don’t know how your story ended but if what you feel then was true love then its never too late. If it was true then why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart… I don’t know what love like Juliet feels like- a love to leave love ones for,  a love to cross oceans for but I d like to believe if I ever were to feel it that id have the courage to seize it.

And Claire if u didn’t I hope one day that u will…

Am I Stinking?

God is never late. He is never in a hurry. We are the one who is always in hurry because we do not know the ending of each of our story. Remember the story of Lazarus in John 11? Jesus already knew that his friend Lazarus was sick and was dying but he told his disciple that he will come to his friend in two days. He could have come earlier, he love Lazarus like a brother so why did he have to wait TWO PRECIOUS DAYS?  Lazarus was dead already when He came, he was embalmed and was covered in mummy clothes and most of all he was STINKING already! why did he have to wait? So that He could have the most glory, ofcourse!

If Lazarus was just sick - okay, thanks Jesus
If he was dying - Praise Jesus you came to heal him
But he was dead two stinking days - Jesus reap all the glory and all who saw what he did had faith in Him

God's timing is always perfect! His time is not like ours. Our 2 years of asking from Him must feel like its never going to happen anymore but GOD has never been late in meeting our needs.

Most of the time when we want something from God we start out in our prayers in a very passionate way.We claim all of his promises and our hearts are bursting with trust and faith. After a while, our prayers goes seemingly unanswered and we are starting to lose the intensity of our prayers.... then suddenly things seem to lighten up and it looks like our plea is being answered... everything is going our way and its almost there - then, BLAM! then something happened and it is exactly the opposite of what we've been praying for! and we think LIFE STINKS!

If that's the case, well, remember that Lazarus STUNK just before the miracle! If we think we are stinking now... we are ready for a miracle :D
There's nothing we can do to make the miracle come faster- nothing. We must pray, we must believe - but we don't push down the door if it's still lock.
Vision and purpose will fuel us to go on - if God gives us the miracle, he gives us the strength to contain it.

I don't know about you but i think at the moment Im really stinking :D

dressed chicken

I remember one time i was walking downtown with my 8 year old cousin and he saw this sign that says "Dressed Chicken for Sale".
He then asked me, "Ate Nat, what kind of dresses do the chicken wears?" and i really laugh out loud with that one. So i had to explain that dressed chickens are really chickens that are already cleaned and ready to cook; that their feathers and stuff were already taken out to make them ready for whatever people wants to do with them in the kitchen. And he was like, "really? why is it called dressed chicken then?"
 and I was like, Yeah, why? i mean if we follow the meaning of the word "dressed" it really means that somebody has put on the kind of clothes that is required for a certain occasion.... why not say "Undressed Chicken for Sale" or say "Un-plucked Chickens for Sale"... now that is more practical and understandable.  

~ A Foggy Blog ~

To write

to ponder

to wonder where I’ll be

when opportunities arise

to set my spirit free

Will you be there

to touch me

and share the emotions of my soul

will you be there

to kiss me

and be the man i adore?

will you be there

in the morning

when sunlight kisses flowers

will you be there

to embrace our love

and give meaning to our hours

My love is bubbling over

it’s more than I can bear

restraining it inside of me

is causing me despair

I want to share it freely

I want to give it all away

all the themes

in all my dreams

are focused on that day

This is what I’m thinking

as I sit here at my blog

letting thoughts escape me

like a ghostly misty fog

writing down whatever

letting feelings have their way

blogging in my cyberspace

on a cool rainy day

distance

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold.
It's for those who are
willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with
the one they love.
It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't
... see it nearly enough..."

... this has a lot to do with this

toadpoles

toad poles reminds me so much of childhood.... it came to me because its rainy season... and when we went visiting somewhere i saw a gutter sooo full of them... and the wide eyed mother (maybe, they look a like..umm) with its adams apple (what else would u call the pulse that keeps bloating in and out its throat?) and pimply skin look on....

i use to love catching them up in our kangkongan.. i get really really giggly doing that... like i was made to do that (u know catch toadpoles all my life).. thank /God i grew up.. i realize u don't catch them ... u wait for them to grow up and catch them - for exotic viand purposes... ugghhhh.. gross.. but i've tried eating them .. at least the kind of them that is edible... tasted good too.. just don't know if it will taste the same now - now that i think myself --- well, ummm ... civilized.

Heart's Cry

	Steven Curtis Chapman - Heart's Cry .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

tired and suffocating

i was just done with my message.. i have done it twice today.. i wonder why it kinda suck the life out from me... i felt so weak and tired.. my lids are so heavy and i could not fight the feeling .. i just want to close them.

i feel exhilarated every time i am doing this. I know this is one of the things that im supposed to be doing but no matter what i still have to come to terms with myself. i need to push myself away...she's the only one standing in the way of all the things that God needs to do in her life. no one else.

i know i am less commitment more in interest... that has to change... like i said i may still be a legend but .... i need to refocus and re align my life... i have to let Him do it... or else... all and i do mean all.... will be lost... and that would messed up all things and i would lose everything that i live for... my very essence and purpose... then i will be hanging in the air like everybody...

longing

trust has to be earned. it is one of the basic practical reality when it comes to dealing with people and building relationships. You only start to trust someone if that someone has proven to you that they are worth it. When they have been there in the times that you needed them the most or they have done something to you and for you. That's when the merit of trust is given, sometimes subconsciously, to the person. They deserve it because they have shown themselves worthy of it, they have "worked" to gain that position in your life or your heart.

so, how do i justify trusting someone who has done nothing at all to gain my trust. Who did not at all work for it...? Who leaves everything to God or maybe it was really fate? Its very frustrating.... creates almost a big big hole at the pit of my tummy and huge lump in my chest... the fact that maybe I'm just expecting and anticipating too much....

Could i call that trust? or just plain old fashion longing ... the plain deep and gut wrenching kind.... to be with him.

This is the reason for all the unexplained tears, sober mood and wishful thinking....