- not like this -

our future is not  bleak like this...

... but brighter than this :D

   when something begins you generally have no idea how it will end. the 2 years stay on a work place becomes 5 years... the status you thought you would change in 3 years remains the same :D; the people you thought will just be passing becomes the friends you lean on... the relationships you thought would last a lifetime has ended way shorter than you could ever imagine leaving you weary and guarded and the person you have never ever thought to love becomes soo central in your life that it scares the sugar out of you.
   planning for the future.. trying to predict the future...as if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow... but the future is always changing; the future is the whole of our deepest fears... and our wildest hopes
but one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself.. the future is never the way we imagine it (sometimes)


   there are some of us that spends lot of time focus on the future..planning it working toward it. but at some point you realize that your life is happening now! not after school, after work or after your wedding day but right now .......... this is it, its here.. and often times, if you're not careful, you miss it.

tiny tots

interesting faces of tiny tots, while their mothers were sewing bags and teddys... these mothers does not have anybody else to babysit their little ones for them so they brought them to the center (Compassion Center). a beautiful woman of kind heart and great patience, Linda, taught them to sew, stitch (whatever else it's called and to use the high-speed machine. it is absolutely amazing to see how they are doing now... from being scared of the sound of an electric machine to now expertly using it to do cutie little bags. they have learned a very useful income-generating skill so they will be able to help their husbands and raise money for everything that they would need for their family, food especially though.

presenting their tots:



the tongue-y girl



proof #1



the wide eyed fellow :D (he is amazed all the time.lol.)



the melancholic dude



the messy girl




the snub




proof (for wide eyed fellow)



the neutral (click, click, click - she looks at me and then nothing - no reaction goes back to nibbling her toy, duh?)

the diva (she likes to climb up this mini ladder)

the sleepy head # 1 (no matter how chaotic and noisy - zzzzzzzzzzzz)

the sleepy head # 2

the watchful (look at those eyes!)

the shy (he wouldn't continue his bottle feeding if somebody is watching him)



the sleepy head # 3 (cute isnt he?)



the cry-baby (he knows if his mother is not around)

the "pessimistic" (like somebody is about to take away his toys anytime)

the cutie :D

the funny man! (just a little twist on ur face and his face lits up in a wide smile

the cheeky one (she baby sits the babys)

i wonder whose hands is it touching the cheeky one's shoulder...hmmm.. like... hey, you! that's my camera shot!

the eater (cute he crawls around and picks up anything and puts it in his mouth)

the nerd (don't mess with me i'm reading)

           who do u cast your vote to? part two would be the busy moms

couldn't get enough of the tongue-y girl

see what i mean? lol.

*depraved childhood*

my sis dear indulging her inner child longing :D... i am pretty sure that i will have a bruise somewhere in my body is she finds out i post this one online. thank goodness she's not fond of reading my blogs. lol.

Faith vs. Reason

On Hebrews 11...

The true picture of faith in this chapter is an eye opener. faith isn't some magical force that enables the person who muster it to live a stress free and contented lifestyle - to get rich, live longer and be famous.

In this chapter, I am force to see that it is impossible to please God (truly) if I don't have faith and it is also not a preclude to a lavish lifestyle. There are a lot of men and women here that were mentioned who were of great faith who have persevered and endured - they suffered - they were flogged, they were destitute, they were imprisoned, they were mocked.

"They went about in goatskins and sheepskins, destitute, mistreated - the world was not worthy of them."

If you think you'll acquire wealth if you just have the "right amount of faith" - you are in for a serious need of awakening.

"These people were still living in faith when they died; they did not recieve the things promised; they only saw them and welcome them from a dsitance.

Those who have faith have turned their weaknesses into strenghts... "there God is not ashamed to be called their God..."

Will God be proud to be called your God?

It is not a usual race we are in - athletes punish their bodies in a grueling marathon race because there are two percievable reasons that's on their mind : 1. personal rewards and 2. great physical benefits. applied into spiritual realms the same can be claimed - prizes (even surpasses the previous struggles) and "the very process of living by faith builds strong character. No one is a loser in this race ... you get a reward even if you finish last --- just finish the race!

Real faith transcends reason : It is being sure of what we hope for and certain of things that we do not see. It is beyond our finite human intelligence can comprehend. It is just as well because having faith requires that we do not trust our own self and our capacity to make things happen... it forces us to acknowledge, albeit reluctantly for most of us humans, that there IS indeed a higher power and that THIS higher power cares and loves us deeply beyond what our restricted human brains can know.

In a facile way we dismiss the idea of SOMEONE greater, we thought we "I exist, therefore I am" - how arrogant! We should know better than that.

As I'm writing this I, too, am learning and relearning how to trust MY God. It's a process that is kinda slow for me because even if I know I don't have anything and can do nothing, I am still stubborn. So, my prayer is like that of a woman who has a sick son in the New Testament that said is desperation, "I have faith, please help me to increase my faith!"

May we be able to pray the same thing and with similar passion. :D

*kissing*

my sis Maria and my friend Jen's niece trying to kiss.... only, Angel seems to find it yucky, gross and unusual to kiss back my sis using her moving tongue. lol

even the little one's

AJ teaching eboy a Bible story and telling him what it means to them kids presently :D

discipleship is not  just for the young people, young professionals, adults, old persons. i used to think that, yes kids can minister but only in praying for the snacks during sunday school, or pick up the thrash, or write letters of thank you's to other people, but not really do discipleship. how wrong can i get? when God said he will use anyone - he did mean anyone. and i've seen proof of that.

it struck me that what the kids are being taught of they really emulate and that they can be trained and discipled... a 10 year old capable of sharing the gospel to her peers... Discipleship is amazing and it is not only at a certain age. a child can and is capable of bringing souls for the glory of God. we (with we i meant the MCOF church) already have 3 D-groups for kids from 7-13 years old with at least 10 members each....

isn't God fantastic?

Go, live your dream

This is me stretching my limits, testing possibility. This is what is in my heart when I care to dream….


I dream

I will travel the world, by foot, by train, by plane. I  go wherever and whenever I want.

I will live free of distraction, in a romantic and spectacular part of the world—reading, meditating, and exploring myself in quiet repose for months.

I will be an expert. An expert at something. People will come to me for advice.

I will own a house on a lake (similar to the house of Jason Statham in the movie The Mechanic) The breeze on my face will wash away all my worries.  My family will play, be happy and be together.

I will learn to dance. In the early century's all lady's were dancing it's an expressive way to express yourself and celebrate (I'm also thankful that i live in the 20th century where I'm not required to learn ballet or salsa or mambo?)


 I will write. Things and topics with sense and meat. I will be able to express myself thouroughly in words.

I will learn how to drive. I will buy an SUV and drive. Explore the part of the country I'm in and beyond.


I will learn to swim and dive. See the "whole different world down there".


I will  teach.... about theology, homiletics... I will be an expert in this.

I will inspire. I want my words to be beautiful and important to others.

I will find peace with myself, and know, really know deep inside that I am good enough... and at the same time know that this goodness does not well up from "ME" but that it comes from MY super duper good GOD.

I will help others find God... and find contentment and purpose in the process... I have wisdom and experience to offer, and I will find the courage to share it in meaningful ways.

I will let everyone of my loves know that I LOVE THEM. Time is so short to keep people that are important to me guessing how valuable they are in my life.


Most importantly, I dream that I be able to trust God MORE - in every meaning of the word.

I need you now

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now

I know, I know this sounds pathetic... 

shoes-y

i  am not Imeldific.... but i like shoes - not the way others craved for it but i respect them. these here caught my attention -

very elegant :D

attention getter

likey

this is what i call "bowed over"

dainty

weird! really?! id rather be caught dead than wear this!

this one's to die for - literally. lol.

seductive : i don't think i can pull this one off though

floral masterpice :I

comfy

everyday... FLIP FLOPS<3

his brand - hmmm.

mine - love love love :D

a leap of faith

...heaven knows love is just a chance we take...

we make plans but love demands a LEAP of FAITH...

happiness

what makes me happy. 

one. it's the first thing that comes to mind and it's pretty obvious. it's the man. he's wonderful for a million reasons. he makes me feel deliriously crappy( :D) and happy. he makes me feel completely out of this world. it's the best.

two. coffee. i know i mustn't but i could not help it... even with my hyper-acidity and my heart burns i still am turned on (well kinda, what a term!) by the smell of steaming cup of hot coffee.

three. laughing. admittedly, i am not the typical open-to-all-jokes (whatever that means) kind of person. but i like to laugh when there is something funny. it feels good. so long as people don't laugh at my expense. i am still learning the art of laughing at my own mistakes.

four. writing. i am so far off from being a real writer/blogger but i like to scribble down my thoughts, it frees something inside of me. and i can look back to what i have written and realize where i am in comparison to my past (well sort of).

five. reading and movies. other than me squeezing all good things i can get from doing this two things, these are also sort of therapeutic. in order for me to completely turn my mind off something,  reading and watching a good movie is a must.

six. jeans and tees. life becomes comfy when your clad in these

seven. presents. all right. i don't like surprises very much. but then i maybe lying when i say i really don't like surprises. what girl doesn't? but anticipating is awesome. i mean the tension just builds and builds and heightens and then burst into colorful fireworks when the thing you have been anticipating is/has arrived/achieved.

eight. hanging out with friends and family. i am not a very sociable person. it takes time for me to warm up to people. i am not the kind to just walk up to someone and introduce myself unless it's absolutely necessary but to all my friends and family - i can't live without them! it is so nice to just be with them. the good thing with family and friends too is that you don't have to make small talks and when you see each other your conversations just took up from where you left it off the other day :D or the day before that or the day before that . lol.

nine. sandy beach/tall mountains. maybe not so tall mountains. lol. but i know you will agree with me that a nice beach and a high place absolutely changes one's mood. in actuality, i think i have a problem settling back to "work-mode" after i spend sometime outside of it :D

ten. food. yep, that's right it makes me happy (i never thought of food that way before). flavors are comforting...but i am biased for things that are spicy and creamy :D. corn on the cob is gooood, peanut butter or nutella on a spoon - heavenly. lol. 

eleven. sisters. alright i said 10. but well, it is my list. lol. these two and are as different as night and day but we are sisters for a reason. one's life is as stunted as a bonsai plant without the other. without one of them life is a bit unthinkable. i mean who will i fight with and share my dark secrets?! lol.

so, having dinner of very good food (gambas in particular) in a nice sandy beach (preferablyshangri-la just coz i haven't been there) with the man (lol). and go someplace where there's nice coffee and hang out with friends and family where there's laughter. then my sis would come and surprise me with a nice (or more than nice) present! then go home, have a good bath, settle in the couch to write about the evening and then read a Jane Austen before drifting off to la-la land. 

that kind of sum up happiness for the day.

i wish the world is smaller.

how about you, what makes you happy?

When?

I wonder how long am I gonna be able to stand this? the silent days, the numbness of pain, the desperately irritating frustration of not getting what I want...

guess i'm just affected a boring day at work today... certainly tomorrow is gonna be better. i need tomorrow to be better.

Need

       Pictures that says everything i feel in a nutshell...

              Sounds pathetic? 

                     ... truth is I've no 

                                 excuse...

Fuck Hate the distance .... you should be here!

  

               ... have you ever felt a need as desperately embarrassing as this?!


Denial doesn't help at all ...

Rezzzzzzzz

I saw this video of what happens during a "Rock climbing Session" and goodness gracious! It looks gut wrenching scary! I mean I hear Ranley talk about it all the time... i mean like ALL the time and I always say trite words like be careful and the likes but I've never really imagine how high the rocks or how tiny the screws are (they have weird names, by the way, Lucky or Bandito) or how thin the rope looks from afar... blah blah blah.. lol i could go on - On the other hand it is BREATHTAKING! The way that gigantic rock stands so tall and proud in the middle of brown sand (or whatever), the openness of the place, the beautiful, fragile looking grasses with their teeny weeny white flowers dancing in time with the breeze, that windmill (i thought windmills like that don't exist anymore), the dumb sheep (lol they have to wait for the truck to pass by before they decide to cross the trail, I mean why not run the other way?!), the way the shadows climb over the canyon (it looks like it), the sunrise (orange and red and yellow in a nice blend) ... it is awesome and for that matter the sunset, where the orange slowly creeping on the blue of the sky... DUSK and DAWN has a real meaning, i think, in this place. 

Maybe it's just a normal day, in a normal place or maybe its the expertise (if he's an expert) of the one who made the video or maybe his patience in capturing what life is in the outskirts of the Reservation but I am so amazed :D. I forgot to mention the smooth blue skies, the star-dotted night with too many falling stars (I've never seen so many falling starts in one night!)

This is where I've seen what I've been gushing about:Rez Land

Just Once

Today is Holy Friday. I do not know if any other countries celebrate the Passion Week as we do here in the Philippines with all the rituals and the mass services and the reenactment of the sufferings Jesus had,  to "atone" for whatever evil and wrong things they may have done before in their lives and they expect to have a "clean slate". Plus the whole nation is in a Holiday. No work, no stores open (so you have to do your groceries and shopping before Holy Friday or you will starve), and and almost non-existent public rides! Almost everyone is trying to be holy and stand still because they do not want to "anger" the Lord or do not want to get hurt because they would not heal for a day - the Lord is dead.

Such backward and naive thinking, I thought but imagine my surprise and shock when one of my co-workers told me that one of the mother amongst our beneficiaries blurted out that Jesus dies every year during Holy Week! She was really in awe to know that Jesus Christ died only once almost 2000 years ago to save us from our sins! And she was like, What???!!! really!!!??? "I thought that Jesus has to die every year that is why, I feel guilty the worst this time of the year!

When i heard that I laugh because it seems to be unthinkable that in our country at this time when we thought that almost everyone has heard of the truth already, that Jesus died only once and is now alive forevermore, there are still sooo many people like this. So innocent and blind of the greatest truth ever. I laugh then i sobered up...because i can feel (almost) my heart cracking and breaking. This woman has been with us for almost 6 months and she doesn't know this ultimate truth. It's horrible. I have to do better than that; we have to do better than that

.

This Holy Week is not like the previous one's... this week my eyes were open because of this one woman. That we don't lapse around in our christian duties. We were not saved to just come to church and hear sermons and feel good if we do a good thing or two... we are saved so we could tell others that there is more to life than just cooking sticky rice on Holy Week, more to life than just going to mass, more to life than just wiping their hanky's on a dead idol so they be blessed for the rest of the year, more to life than just staying inside the house during Holy Friday... that our Christ died only once so that we could have LIFE and have it more ABUNDANTLY!

Mid-Week Randomness

* Spent time with Les and Ruby - Carsten (Les' fiancée) allowed her a sleepover in our house which turned out to be fun and exhausting. A reminiscing of the past childhoods funny (and not so funny) habits... when it was time to sleep Les wants me to produce a mosquito net. Yes, you heard me right. It's one habit she has not given up... she could't sleep without it much like i couldn't sleep without socks :D

* I have Binignit (sticky rice cooked in coconut oil with lots of things i don't know the name of in English) for lunch for two days now because I'm really lazy to actually cook something and bring them with me to work and lazy to go out and find decent food. Not that Binignit is bad, it's good.

* My darling sister Les gave me my first ever designer wallet! Yep, a DKNY! it's hers given by her previous Boss as departure gift and she didn't like it much and Carsten gave her a new one so she's being kind hearted and gave it to me..... It is my ONLY decent wallet in years! in YEARS! I'm not picky and I couldn't have cared less but now that i have it I'm really grateful.

* My big toe on the right and small "middle toe" just fell off! I AM DEAD! I have been wearing doll and close flat shoes for two weeks now...waaaaa... I love wearing slippers, flip flops or open sandals. All my shoes are either wedges or open sandals! I don't have any close shoes except for the doll shoes. The doctor told me it will take 6 months or a year to have my nails in full growth and even then they wouldn't look and feel the same. I don't know how I will solve that yet!

That's all for now... i don't feel like adding anything yet after my dead nails :(