Wednesday, October 24, 2012

a heart like mine

of all the hearts in the world

i've only one to give

so insecure, a desperate pulse
racing to Your embrace
that You could want me and seek me
is more than words could ever say
that You would love me and see in me
a pearl of price, thrown away

heart like mine

how could it be worthy that You'd find

a way to redeem this hardened clay
twisted and broken
oh Father God above
the wonder that You'd love a heart like mine

i had given way too much time to something in my life that i have unintentionally given my God the left-over. in my head I was thinking, “God will understand, He gave this to me. surely he will not begrudge if i take care of something that was clearly a blessing to me”.

i remember that i was scared of anything at all that would “steal” my attention and devotion to Him and my ministry. i was careful, too careful to the point of inaction, that i would displease him by prioritizing other things in my life. i tried to balanced my time, my priorities, my wants, my desires, my ministry and everything else but I always thought that God was the center of my life.

lately that has not been the case. it is different now. my priorities have shifted and i know I have been aware of it but was too caught up with the niceness of everything to really mind.

then God in all his gentleness sliced up through my foggy little brain in a way that only He could. i could not resist him. He does not just want me to balance things out; with all the things that i want on this side and Him on the other side. He wants to be above all things in my life. He wants to be my life, the source of everything good and perfect.

It is undeniably true that when we behold God as he is, we will see our real nature. Our selfishness. Our stubbornness. Our pride.

i was mortified. i am selfish. i am stubborn. i am proud. And i really do not have anything. i looked at myself and had to hang my head. Shame on me.

for months i felt nothing. i was not numb, i just felt nothing. i ignore the gentle tugging of the Holy Spirit because i thought that I’m okay.

i am not.

i keep coming back to God because i want something from him. i did not come to him because i want to make him happy again or because i love him, but because I needed something and  i he alone has the power to give it.

i have kept doing it to the point where i got so weary and tired with my own foolishness. i was shameless.

but God is waiting for me. He has waited for me. He was so KIND. It is His KINDNESS that has led me to repentance.

I am sorry. I was sorry.  

it is not easy letting go and letting Him take over. even with the knowledge that he only wants what is best for me. but that is faith. something I have to learn.

God is good. this time its not just a trite thing to say.. it’s truly experiential.

i keep falling in love with you Lord.
every beat of my heart, breath that I breathe
through that season that change
your love remains
my hiding place my home
i keep falling falling in love

1 comment:

Amelia said...

beautiful post, such heart felt sentiments