My life can best be described as calm, consistent, all straight lines. If it is to be likened to a color I can say its gray, moss green, light brown or beige with only a spark of yellow and blue from time to time. Compared to other people I know, it seems too dull – no high adventures, no exciting surprises. I attribute my colorless existence to my love for predictability. I want things that I don’t have to be surprise about…my previous surprises did not leave a positive feeling about me…. More often than not the mark they left me made me swear “never again” (as if I control my life).
Please don’t get me wrong; I love the idea of adventure… the likes of Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Lucy of Narnia. But the painful truth is because of past experiences, failures or trials so hard and difficult it left my heart bruised and my eyes red, I lost all courage (but not the desire) to venture out from my comfort zone… even if it’s not the best thing, even if it’s mediocrity (I hate that term when I was in high school)… even if it’s colorless.
I am better now. I’m slowly taking the steps away from who I was – from fear – from comfort- from monotone. I know I should take jumps or speed-walk… but I’ll take my time. I do not want to forget what my real purpose is. I was not saved to just be dull. My God did not give up His life so I can just exist. Realizing that fact changed the way my coconut shell think. It is very surprising sometimes how stupid and unresponsive our mental faculties can get when it concerns things that have a definite, absolute lasting value and worth in our lives.
May I have to courage and boldness to lead my life the way my God wants it. Honestly, trying to be want He wants me to be can be very very exhausting… I realized I was doing everything on my own. Trying to be holy, trying to be good, trying to be an example… but failing miserably. It leaves me no peace and I’m only successful in alienating God when all I desire is to be of service to Him.
So for now my life goes on – and with it is his promise… “I have already given you everything that you need for life and godliness”.