Heart's Cry

	Steven Curtis Chapman - Heart's Cry .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

tired and suffocating

i was just done with my message.. i have done it twice today.. i wonder why it kinda suck the life out from me... i felt so weak and tired.. my lids are so heavy and i could not fight the feeling .. i just want to close them.

i feel exhilarated every time i am doing this. I know this is one of the things that im supposed to be doing but no matter what i still have to come to terms with myself. i need to push myself away...she's the only one standing in the way of all the things that God needs to do in her life. no one else.

i know i am less commitment more in interest... that has to change... like i said i may still be a legend but .... i need to refocus and re align my life... i have to let Him do it... or else... all and i do mean all.... will be lost... and that would messed up all things and i would lose everything that i live for... my very essence and purpose... then i will be hanging in the air like everybody...

longing

trust has to be earned. it is one of the basic practical reality when it comes to dealing with people and building relationships. You only start to trust someone if that someone has proven to you that they are worth it. When they have been there in the times that you needed them the most or they have done something to you and for you. That's when the merit of trust is given, sometimes subconsciously, to the person. They deserve it because they have shown themselves worthy of it, they have "worked" to gain that position in your life or your heart.

so, how do i justify trusting someone who has done nothing at all to gain my trust. Who did not at all work for it...? Who leaves everything to God or maybe it was really fate? Its very frustrating.... creates almost a big big hole at the pit of my tummy and huge lump in my chest... the fact that maybe I'm just expecting and anticipating too much....

Could i call that trust? or just plain old fashion longing ... the plain deep and gut wrenching kind.... to be with him.

This is the reason for all the unexplained tears, sober mood and wishful thinking....

I'm Going Bananas

i think im going bananas...that's how you express it when you think your life is no going through the path that you liked or even planned. In other words your getting crazy...insane

But this banana here doesn't describe me at the moment (but i do have some going-bananas-thing). I was visiting some of our kids in one of our areas when i spotted this thing on the just hanging there and i just cant resist snappin' at it even though my phone's camera is just 2 mega pixels, i mean this is a high tech world were living in and some already got phone cams that reach to 10 mega pixels so its embarrassing to open my phone in public eye.... lol... but really i dont care... my phone can text and call and i can listen to 13 mp3 songs... who cares if its obsolete? i dont for sure.

going back to bananas, this pic made me walk down childhood memory lane... we used to have lots of them in our backyard and my grandfather would harvest it and we would all come running and pick the smallest fruit, hide it... cover it in plastic bags and salivate for a few days in anticipation for it. Its not that i really love bananas but there is a thing that i cannot describe that i feel every time i opened my carefully-wrapped portion and find it ripe and ready to eat. It is almost like a sense of success.... my anticipation has been rewarded and it felt soooooooo good...
Actually i think i am just imagining things with this anticipation vs surprise thing.... we will see what comes with it.....

but between me and me? i hope that its like my wrapped bananas.. i'd find it ripe and ready for the taking....

the beginning of ....

this here is the beginning of my life's unpredictable, and confusing existence.. oh in just some sense

I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY (Trisha Yearwood)

If I'd've known the way that this would end
If I'd've read the last page first
If I'd've had the strength to walk away
If I'd've known how this would hurt

(Chorus:)
I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway

It's bittersweet to look back now
At memories withered on the vine
Just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time


(Bridge:)
And, even if I'd seen it coming
You'd still've seen me running
Straight into your arms

Prayer

Lord I pray that:


You'd make me love you so much ill do whatever you say...
You'd make me think about you all the time so there'll be no escape from serving you...
You'd make me so passionate for you that ill forget myself and give you my all...


If i don't have the self-motivation , then fill me with your Holy Spirit...


Please forgive me for all the heartaches I caused you - big or small...
If i have embarrassed you because of my thoughtless or even deliberate actions or words or thoughts, God, forgive me...


Please, oh please, give me the sense, the honor and the commitment to stand by my promised - to blessed you with the life that I am leading...

Betrayal and Pain

there are times when nobody really understands you.... you take a a jump at a relationship and learn t give ur trust and then this someone turns their back... confirming your worst nightmare that most relationships are built on a quick sand.... so you vow "never again"

Being betrayed is soooo painful especially if you think highly of the person who betrayed you... its like you hanging in mid air and he comes and cuts off the only vine your holding.... the pain is so pure.......

My old town

A recent trip home has reminded me of the past
My old school with its unmanicured lawns and peeling paints
Brought back nostalgic memories
I do not know how to react


A diner we used to hang-out
… the signage has already one screw left
The side walk we trudged up and down during school days
… pavements are now missing
… puddles of rain has collected in the holes were the cement would have been


The plaza with its green grasses and newly painted bench
… with its stadium where we use to cheer our lungs out for our fave team
… with its outlined walks and glittering lights in the late afternoon
– the grasses are now brown; desperately thirsting for rain
– the stadium benches badly needs repair
– the walks dusty and only one yellow bulb hanging in every corner


The old movie house with its creaking chairs and musty-old-moss smell
They once echo the giggling and the sniffling of us…
Now it’s no more – it’s has been turned into a cell phone shop


The sweeping meadows, with stubborn wild grasses swaying in time with the wind
Hectares upon hectares of twisting sugarcane stalks ready to be harvested as far as the eyes can see
-- it’s now subdivided, lonely and dry


Rushing rivers that once has heard the screams and squeals of carefree children
Frantic voices of parents warning us to be careful
…it’s now carabao’s bath… dark and murky.


The wild guavas, tamarind and “kamunsil” plants we plundered
The string beans and peanuts still young enough to be picked
The heavenly sweetened “58” sugarcanes we coveted
-nothing is left, just grasses and hardened soil


The ponds we used to fish with cut off tree limbs and crushed snails for bait
– the ponds have dried and the snails are scattered and few


I could not forget the feel of pure mud on my toes
As we chase dragonflies in the rice fields
Nor the grainy sand on my feet as we picked “tino-tino”




The rest of the world has been modernized now
The cities are shinier
The cars are slicker and faster
The malls are bigger and crowdier
The parks are wider, merrier, more entertaining
The internet has made the world smaller (though still damn big) – more accessible
Movies are available in 3D’s (gasp*) unthinkable


My town has grown old though – wrinkled – aged
Almost everyone in it wants to get out of it
Those who are out want to stay out and have no desire of coming back in…
It’s almost a sin just to think these thoughts,
I mean not coming back?
But it seems to be that way now…


*photo grabbed from Google images* 

It's easy (part 2)

this is the second cut. see the first

...
You may wake up one day
with a bruised heart that is heavy
you will realize that a hefty salary
cannot earn a peaceful and loving family
friends who will stand by you any day

you finally agonize
that you have maybe paid too big a prize
that you have probably jeopardize
the standard of your God who is wise

the things you own for a awhile
blessings, you think of them with a smile
are nothing but temporary and ordinary
compare to the rewards which are heavenly

he who loves you...
loves to hook an extra in front of the ordinary
to make us satisfied, content and happy

What I want

I want a carrer - not just a job
I want a home - not just a house

I need true friendship - not just mere acquaintances
I need genuine relationships - not just partners

I want a sense of being right - not just win an argument
I want to be respected - not just listened to

I want to worship - not just sing
I want to pray - not just mumble

Above all ....

I want to live - not just survived
I want to love - freely, deeply... passionately... wildly (?)
- the kind that I'd do if i know there'll be no tomorrow

************************************************************************

I want to experience the best of God's world
- to eat , drink, and be merry
... yet tempered with the knowledge of the truth that
the world has nothing to offer when it comes to the serious of life
- like faith, hope and love ...

Confessions of Saint Augustine

There is beauty in lovely physical objects, as in gold and silver and all other such things. When the body touches such things, such significance attaches to the rapport of the object with the touch. Each of the other senses has its own appropriate mode of response to physical things. Temporal honour and the power of giving orders and of being in command have their own kind of dignity, though this is also the origin of the urge to self-assertion. Yet in the acquisition of all these sources of social status, one must not depart from you, Lord, nor deviate from your law, the life which we live in this world has its attractiveness because of certain measure in its beautiful. Human friendship is also a nest of love and gentleness because of the unity it brings about between many souls. Yet sin is committed for the sake of all these things and others of this kind when, in consequence of an immoderate urge towards those things which are at the bottom end of the scale of good, we abandon the higher and supreme goods, that is you, Lord God, and your truth and your law (Ps. 118:142). These inferior goods have their delights, but not comparable to my God who has made them all. It is in him that the just person takes delight; he is the joy of those who are true of heart (Ps. 63:11).

Closing Cycles (Paolo Coelho)

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the
meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles,
shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters
is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you
leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long lasting
friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering
why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step
until you find out why certain things that were so important and so
solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an
attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents,
your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone
will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with
life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us
can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we
try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not
return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel
guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an
affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of
coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really
go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy
souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate
the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a
manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts
and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for
other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach
yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so
sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in
return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be
discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional
television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that
shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning
you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are
broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date,
decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before
a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself
that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a
time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is
irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may
even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but
simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the
record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were,
and change into who you are.

Lunch TIme Break-up

Obviously this isnt mine... have never had a break-up this intense before... have never cause a scene in any restaurant or any public place in that matter... have never wore a mascara (oh, once or twice)... have never had any relationship with men who have wives.... etc... the author of this is anonymous but the article has captured soem of the sentiments that my friend has experience during a recent break-up with her long time boyfriend... and interestingly enough... she was wearing mascara during the to-die-for moment (lol-just kidding)

It’s not you,
It’s me.
It’s not the right time.
More wine?
Can’t explain why.
Please don’t cry.

They said to break the news in a public place.
Now the mascara is running down her face.

Don’t send the waiter away.
We’re going to be here all day.

Please put down that knife.
No, I’m not going back to my wife.
You can’t make a scene in here.
Perhaps I haven’t made myself clear.
Waiter! Is that whisky on its way?
She’s twisting everything I say.

It’s not me,
It’s you.
Look, I have to be back by two.
No, nothing’s more important than this.
How about one last goodbye kiss?

No, there’s no one else, I swear.
I wouldn’t even dare.
I would never cheat.
Of course, you make me complete.

What’s that? You’ll throw yourself in front of a train?
Ok, Ok, of course we can try again.
Dessert? For you dear, nothing’s too much trouble.
Waiter! More wine for the lady and make mine a double

His Way

God has a way of yanking me out of my slumber...
my comfort zone (not that I'm really comfortable)
- When I thought that all is well then the testing comes...
- When I thought I'm strong then struggles come to prove my weakness...
- When I thought I can relax and can almost predict the future ...
I am thrown back into a dark pit
and once again everything becomes blurry...
and I'm groping blindly for something I can hang-on to...

God has a way of courting me...
- The moment my hand slipped slowly from His - he let's go and i would realise
I'll fall hard without him...
- The moment i think my dreams are so reachable... he wakes me up so
I'll see that reality in Him is much more desirable...
- The moment I'm tempted to sit back and watched ministry in the sidelines
I am thrust into a situation where my only option is one I could not decline...

God has a way of loving me...
- One that I could not resist
- One that I could never ignore
- One that keeps me stunned and amazed
- One that Keeps me his through his grace

But why oh why do I ran away?
How could i leave his security?
why?
Stubborn, silly, stupid me!
Why would I want a taste of a muddy, mossy water...
When God is offering a clear running river?

I have a blasted Dream

I woke up with conflicting emotions. I was so perplexed by the dream I had last night. I could not reconcile it with reality (i know dreams are not exactly trustworthy mirror of the future). But if I dreamed about vampires, monsters and other unpleasant creatures I would have been happier. I am not a person to remember my dreams. More often I would woke up “dreamless”. But this morning its as if my 8 hours of sleep brought me no rest at all.I can still feel the lingering after effect of my dream. Have you ever had a dream where you want to wake up and change the plot or the story? Have you ever tried to give all the force you have to change the outcome of your dream so it would give you a pleasant feeling of “waking up on the right side of the bed in the morning?” I have tried.. with all my might… but i failed… In my dream i was in my high school football field. I was transported into the 90’s. The oval field has never look so wide, the sun has never shone so brightly, the three grand stands were filled with all my former classmates and schoolmates, and friends. The whole place has a festive feeling…. everybody was talking to somebody…everyone was excited to be there… everyone was in high spirits… cheering, laughing, shouting ….. just happy… I was there too… but in contrast to all the fun and excitement around me, my heart was swelling… almost bursting not with laughter but with tears. I am in BIG trouble … my future -even my life (gasp) hangs in a balance. All my intellectual and emotional capacity are fighting - clamoring to find a solution to a problem which has no solution, I felt so alone, depressed, hopeless. I was staring blankly to a group of guys who are kicking a soccer ball aimlessly (that’s what it looks to me)… then my eyes focus on someone who is not a part of my past, someone I now just met, Why is he here? I hastily wiped my eyes and forced a smile and gave a little wave all the while my mind was on overtime thinking why is he here?… Then he left the boys and the field, ran up to me… paused a few feet away and looked at me with compassion … like he knew exactly what i was thinking and feeling…. like he’s reading my thoughts … i felt exposed and naked… And then he slowly advanced to me….. almost floating on the ground, reach out and touched my hand … he said ” You are stronger than you thought, I will always be here” … two perfect teardrops rolled in my eyes.. they were about to fall when suddenly … the guy give a a smirk and an evil smile…. he look at me with piercing eyes…he said….. You are NAIVE!…..(Created: August 15, 2009)

It's Easy (part 1)

To Fail

To give up

To be angry

To be selfish

To hold grudges

To make mistakes

To pass the blame

To go with the flow

To put yourself first

To mis-spend money

To ignore sound advice

To make lousy decisions

To wish upon a lonely star

To choose comfort over principles

To prioritize things over relationships

But ……………..

it does not help you

….. at all

One Afternoon

i had a very busy day. a typical day i would say. but my afternoon was a tiniest bit different from the typical days. my afternoon took on a lazy atmosphere because of the cooler weather brought on by the darkened sky and a few scattered raindrops. the air is full of the sweet smell of freshly cut grasses - and it has an invigorating effect on me.

i sat in the empty classroom - alone. time ad place and the atmosphere is so conducive for meditative sentimentality … so i did just that…. rare moments like these are not so often in my life that i felt in touch with my inner person. thank God for rare moments like this that we can take a pause in our busy lives and reflect on all the good things that has happened and the blessings that has been given to us.

(Created: June 5, 2009)

Ministry or Busyness?

What comes into mind when we think of ministry or service for God? Pastors always on the run so as not to miss the next appointment? Panic-stricken Sunday school teachers cramming up a lesson for tomorrow’s class? Audience-pressured song leaders trying to use up the few minutes left before service starts to rehearse the line-up hastily prepared last night? In other words ministry is always associated with BUSYNESS … but is busyness synonymous with meaningful ministry? Is God pleased when where always on the run? Always harried and tired looking because of “his work?”

Eugene Paterson wrote: Hilary of Tours diagnosed our busyness in the ministry as irreligiosa sollicitudo pro Deo, a blasphemous anxiety to do God’s work for him.

Whoa!!! It’s so shocking and it hurts … makes me want to defend myself. But Paterson gives us two reasons:

One: I am busy because I am vain. I want to appear important. Significant. What better way than to be busy? The incredible hours, the crowded schedule, and the heavy demands on my time are proof to myself – and to all who will notice – that I am important.

Two: I am busy because I am lazy. I indolently let others decide what I will do instead of resolutely deciding myself …..

It was a fave theme of C.S. Lewis that only lazy people work hard. A little bit unconventional for our thought but if you hear him out he further explains that lazy people abdicate the essential work of deciding and directing, establishing values and setting goals, other people do it for lazy peeps; then they find themselves trying to satisfy a half dozen different demands on their time, none of which is essential in their vocation, to stave off the disaster of disappointing someone.

Peterson gives an example of what he should do first. Prayer.

“I want to do the original work of being in deepening conversation with the God who reveals himself to me and addresses me by name. I don’t want to dispense mimeographed hand-outs that describe God’s business; I want to witness out of my own experience. I don’t want to live as a parasite on the first-hand experience of others, but to be personally involved with all my senses, tasting and seeing that the Lord is good.”

After I’ve read this I was like, Ouch!!!! To the highest level. There are a lot of times when I was so lazy to converse with God that all I do is just being a parasite…. depending the nutritional element of my spiritual growth on the experience of others. Never again.

(Created: June 10, 2009)

Objectivity or Emotion?

Objectivity. Nice word. Dignified. So professional. So…. Objetive. It means the ability to perceive or describe something without being influenced by emotions or prejudices. Sounds attractive. Simple. Straightforward. But in my case sooooo hard. I mean one of my motto’s in life is to not let my emotions cloud my judgment. But this has not been true in many case. I mean i tried… hard… and in many times…. i failed. There are people who says that we must use the power of our reasoning so we can be objective and there are also those who suggest that we let go and let our emotion guide us into happiness. But which is really which, objectivity or emotion? I have win over emotion many times and been objective… Yehey! but i have also done somethings guided by my emotions and prejudices….

There is one truth that i know though that many a times actions prompted by emotions and feelings can be biased, morally deficient, and lack the standards that our Lord requires. On the other objective actions can only be done if a person thinks through and through and is guided by the ultimate standard for life and morality which is God’s Word.

So i think (my opinion okay, u can have yours and publish it) that we can use a generous amount of emotions and be objective about it. I mean as long as were mature enough to assess things… weigh all the options and differing opinions (it matters believe me) we can arrive in a certain agreeable conclusions…agreeable to us…… (to be continued)